Cross the Line
by exquisitedarkness
Summary: The music is too loud, the liquor too strong. And suddenly Tori and Beck have started something interesting.
1. don't hold it against me

**don't hold it against me**

* * *

><p>She should've known.<p>

The elements are too perfect, the party too loud. And she's much too emotionally unstable to be out at a time like this; entirely too fragile both mentally and physically. And yet here she is. Here they are. And everything is so, so good.

The music pulses, sending trills of energy from the tips of her perfectly curled hair to her midnight-painted toes. A light sheen of sweat coats her skin, but it's far from gross. In fact, as her hips sway enticingly, she's proud of the slickness of her body. She's proud of the fact that despite everything, she's still got it, and she'll be damned if she loses it now. The beat drops, and so does she, sinking ass-low to the ground on a guy whose name she probably wouldn't know even if she wasn't completely smashed out of her mind.

Lights; purple, blue and fuschia flash across the crowd and vaguely, through her alcohol-induced haze, she can see her best-friend grinding against a blonde guy. He's smoking hot and she mentally congratulates her. The girl probably won't remember him in the morning, but at least she's got him now. Her petite body has him hooked, eyes hazy in concentration.

Letting out a shrill cry, she throws a hand in the air, the same of which just so happens to be wrapped around a red cup full of liquor. It sloshes, probably drenching the head of the guy she's dancing on, but that doesn't register. Suddenly, her quick fix has splashed to the carpet of some kid's mansion, and she needs more. Growling angrily (which turns into insane giggling at her own absurdity) she stumbles away from the hot senior previously pushed up against her ass, and towards the drink table.

And that's when she sees him.

Their eyes make contact simultaneously, and suddenly the room clears. It's him, _the_ him she's not allowed to think about, or dream about, or let enter her mind at all on the pain of harsh beatdown from a smart-ass brunette. And thoughts of Steve (stupid-fucking-asshole-son-of-a-bitch-Steve) have suddenly vanished.

He smirks wildly, taking in her drunken state and the hungry look in her eyes, evident from fifteen feet away. Tension crackles like a whip between them. And she knows then, that he's thinking the same thing she is. Whirling on her heel, she pushes her way back through the crowd to the center of the madness. The red cup, empty and forgotten, drops from her hand to the floor. Viciously she snags the collar of a blue-eyed, blonde-haired Abercrombie and Fitch wanna-be and shoves her pelvis into his. She needs to escape the temptation of him so she throws her whole self into this one. There's no telling what she'll do if he comes for her.

.

And of course he does.

He sees her turn and disappear into the crowd, and something flares inside of him. It's insanely wrong, considering the circumstances. But then again, the situation is quite convenient. His girlfriend is in the Alps, skiing with Swedish boys, and although he'd acted like it earlier, he really isn't all that jealous. And she, the other brunette; the sweeter one, the different one, the unintentionally sexy one has just met his gaze with a look that screamed something vastly inappropriate.

The truth is, there's something there. Something dark and sweet and dangerous between them that neither has thought to acknowledge. Probably because Jade would eat her alive. But this time…this time he wants to acknowledge it. This time, with a buzz running through his veins, he needs to acknowledge it. And even though it's undoubtedly bad, bad news…well Beck starts into the pulsing crowd after her anyways.

_Lalalalala-lalalalalalala_

_Tonight we gon get it on the floor_

_Lalalalala-lalalalalalalala_

_Tonight we gon be it on the floor_

She's easy to find, wrapped around some sophomore. He almost laughs at that; clearly she could have so much better. The people part around him; even half-drunk they know who he is, and for once he's glad of his brooding reputation. Once he's within touching distance of the girl he's looking for, he grips the shoulder of the sophomore and the kid beats it out of there. And then it's just him and her.

Finally.

.

_Oh god,_ she thinks when blue eyes have suddenly been replaced with deep, chocolate brown. It's one coherent thought that makes it through her stupor, before her hormones take over. And then rational Tori has completely been lost to the wind. She bites her lip, running a hand through her damp curls, and …there it is. The flicker of lust and something else in Beck's eyes is enough to confirm her suspicions. He definitely wants to dance, and it's definitely not the waltz. No slurred words are wasted before his hands are on her; on her back, on her hips, on her ass. And then her entire world is consumed with him.

She smells so good, Beck can hardly handle himself. There's something about the way her hair falls down her back and how it slides through his fingers so perfectly. Waves of vanilla waft in clouds around his face, along with the heady scent of vodka and the smell alone is enough to set him off. He can't get enough of her, and now that he has her he won't let go. Vaguely, Beck registers the song changing. Apparently so does she, because Tori twists in her hands, so that her butt is pressed up against his pelvis.

Sweet Jesus, he's going to lose it.

_Come here baby, eh be my baby_

_Eh be my baby, oh oh oh_

_Come here baby put your hands on my body_

_Hands on my body oh oh oh_

_Right there, keep it right there_

_I love when you put it right there yeah yeah yeah_

_oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh_

_Yeah_

She tosses her head and winds her hips in a dangerously small circle, and he groans, fingers tightening around her tan skin. Electricity, or something of that nature sparks in the air around them. It's not like Jade, not like his girlfriend at all and he likes it. Screw that, he loves it. He forces her closer, if that's possible and then her hand is over her head and in his hair. Normally, he despises people touching his hair; it takes a damn long time to make it look that good. But this only turns him on. Bending his head slightly, he presses hot lips against her ear.

"You're crossing lines, Vega." He growls, and she shivers, despite the inferno of their combined body heat.

"I think we've already crossed any lines worth worrying about." She tosses back, and he grins. Ah yes. And there was that spunky commentary. He could've expected the same thing from another girl, but far more brutal and less seductive. He doesn't take his lips away from her neck, instead sliding them along the smooth skin and inhaling like an addict.

_I like the way that you talk dirty_

_Don't wash your mouth out I like it dirty_

_You like to please yeah I like that yeah yeah yeah yeah me like it_

_I like the way that you keep me coming_

_Back, yeah you so good you had me running_

_Me like the way that he goin' down down down down down down down_

_No I ain't never gonna let no girl take him from me_

_Never gonna let no girl steal him from me_

_Never gonna let a girl get that close now_

_I tell'em hey babe you're too close now_

This is so wrong. So good, so good. Tori's mind flutters somewhere between sanity and the fact that Beck's fingers are creeping where her black tube top meets the top of her dark-wash skinnies. The little voice in the back of her mind is muttering how terrible of a person she is. How she was just as awful as Steve now, practically doing her friend's boyfriend in the basement of some random kid's house. She'd been cheated on and now she's helping Beck cheat…sort of. The fact that there's literally no space between their heated bodies has to count for something on the Cheater-Meter.

But she can't stop now. She can't, even if she wanted to. The alcohol is tainting every pure thought in her brain and turning it back to Beck. Back to the way his hair feels in her hands, and how every move he makes is against her. And she's wanted this, wanted it deep down for so long. It's just one night right? Just one night. She feels wanted, not like she's just been screwed over and not like she's worthless enough to be cheated on with one of the most famous internet stars of the decade. She feels weightless.

Beck doesn't know how long they stay on the basement dancefloor, but when the music goes from a pounding beat, to a slower, more sensual one, he figures the night is almost over. People have either passed out, vanished upstairs into the multiple bedrooms, or gone home. He twists Tori back around in his arms, and their eyes meet again. The same hot feeling wells within him, makes his palms burn where they touch the bare skin around her hips.

_Oh, oh woah oh oh,_

_Oh woah oh oh ohh ohhh_

_Oh woah oh oh, oh ohh_

_Girl I love it when you wind it, wind it, wind it_

_You shut the club down, Shut the club down_

_Shut the club down, shut the club down_

_Girl I wanna see you wind it, wind it, wind it, wind it, wind it_

_Girl shut the club down, shut the club down_

_Shut the club down, shut the club down_

_Girl I wanna see you wind it, wind it_

_Please just press rewind it_

_Wind it, wind it_

_Please just press rewind it_

_Wind it, wind it_

_Please just press_

_Rewind it_

"You're beautiful." It slips out of his mouth, and he doesn't regret it. Even in her stupor, he can tell that it registers, and she slumps her head against his shoulder. Their hips continue to move as one, just slower, and her lips burn through his white v-neck tee, and into his skin.

"You're impossible." She answers. It's true.

"So are you."

"I'm a terrible person." She says, and she lifts her head. Her chocolate eyes are heavy with sadness, lust, betrayal, and guilt. But not regret. He thinks about Steve, about how fucked up that kid must have been to cheat on such an amazing girl Beck can never have. He should've kicked the guy's ass at that party. But he hadn't…he'd been in the hot tub with Jade. He gets her though; the guilt she feels. And even though he's so intertwined with Tori Vega, he knows he'll feel it in the morning too.

"No you're not. I am."

Tori laughs mournfully. "I'm pretty sure this is mutual terrible-ness." Her mouth forms a frown that he wants to kiss away. "And I'm not that drunk anymore, damnit."

"Good." Beck says and she looks at him questioningly, eyebrow raised. He shrugs, and the arms around his neck tighten minutely.

"Tell me."

And now comes the crucial moment where he has to make a decision he might regret. Beck casts a glance around the room, catching sight of Cat's passed out form, and of Robbie who's slow-dancing awkwardly with Rex. Then he looks back at Tori, at her slightly smudged make-up, and red-rimmed eyes. He'll probably never feel her thin form beneath his fingers after tonight. He decides.

"Because now you'll remember it when I kiss you."

She doesn't get time to respond. His lips press against hers; soft, smooth and sincere. Her fingers find the feathery darkness at the nape of his neck, and he sucks her bottom lip in between his with an unrestrained sigh. They stay pressed against each other until the song dies.

Girl I love it when you wind it, wind it, wind it, wind it, wind it

You shut the club down, shut the club down

Shut the club down, shut the club down

In the morning Beck remembers. So does she. And as Tori Vega fights the hangover of the century she realizes that yes; they've most definitely crossed lines worth worrying about. And she never wants to forget.

* * *

><p>the music in this chapter is as follows:<p>

on the floor - JLO

right there - nicole sherzinger

wind it - tory lanez ft. justin bieber

as many of you know, i began this story sooo long ago. almost four years ago. lol it's crazy. since then i've been through a lot. I began writing it during a time in my life when i didn't know who i was, but all that has changed. That being said I'm re-posting, re-editing and doing a lot of new things. This story started out fairly explicit and even though it's not my style anymore, I'm going to post what i wrote and try to keep the vibe. I plan to use it as a way to kill my writer's block for the BOOK i'm writing. yes that's right. A Book. like a real live one, with my own characters and plot. I think i was always born to write.

anyways, i don't wanna get mushy. i have disappeared many times on this story and i'm not going to lie. it's likely that it could happen again. but i re-read it tonight and i loved it, so i'm going to change things up and give it another whirl.

read it if you'd like. it truly has been some time, but i did have some pretty serious fans, lol. god bless yous.

M.


	2. we've all messed up too

**we've all messed up too**

* * *

><p>When Monday morning rolls around, Tori Vega can barely pull herself from her bed sheets. Light filters in from the curtains, promising a crystal clear day but her heart sinks down into her stomach the moment she opens her eyes. She frowns sleepily up at the white, white ceiling, the opposite of her dark, dark mind.<p>

And then she rolls over again, sinking deeper into her goose-feather pillows, and attempting to drown bittersweet memories in blackness.

.

She's not there.

Beck tries not to notice her absence, indulging himself in the rough, sultry passion of Jade's mouth all over his. But when they're finally done "sucking each other's faces off" (Andre's words of course), he can't ignore the fact that_ she's_ not there. The group congregates in front of her locker, but as everyone carries on the usual morning conversation, nobody seems to notice that they're missing a member of their make-shift posse.

"Where's Tori?" He says finally. Jade scowls beside him.

"Hopefully she realized her glittery pop-star dreams are never coming true, and decided not show her face again." He gives her a look like really? and she shrugs.

"It could happen."

"Maybe she's sick." Cat pipes up, smiling despite the obvious rolling tension between the two of them. Her bright eyes light up innocently (even though she's not so innocent, that's just her mask of choice), and another pointless story spews from between her lip-glossed lips, but Beck's too busy remembering to comprehend it.

He doesn't regret it. Not one bit. The ghosts of her fingers still run through his hair, and he can still smell the vanilla. In fact, the past two days, that's all he's been able to smell, and it's driving him crazy. The guilt is another thing. Looking at Jade, at her perpetually upside-down smile, his stomach writhes. He knows her; inside and out. He knows her tough girl façade is just another form of protection, and he know she's much more vulnerable than she appears. And he'd broken that trust, whether she knows it or not. What kind of boyfriend does that?

A fucked up one, he thinks. And then he plans to go visit Tori as soon as the final bell rings.

.

She doesn't get up all day.

She doesn't eat, doesn't even drag herself to the bathroom to pee. Not that she needs to. The last thing she's had to drink in the past twenty four hours is a cup of water after she'd puked rather violently Sunday morning. The emptiness in her stomach reminds her that she's still alive, and the thought of food makes her want to gag.

Trina peeks in before she heads off to school, but one warning look from Tori, and she's backing away from her bedroom door, palms raised in surrender. Her mother and father leave without bothering to check on her, probably assuming she's already gone off to school with Trina. And then she's alone.

It's worse when there's nobody around. The voice in her head that lists off her imperfections and awful things she's done, kicks up the volume and doesn't shut up. She's heard this particular tune before but every word cuts deeper than the next.

_You're disgusting._

_You're an ugly, hypocritical bitch._

_It's not wonder Steve cheated on you. You're not good enough for anyone._

And somewhere in the madness, he's there. He's everywhere.

_Beck._

Bile rises up in the back of her throat, a typical reaction. There's nothing in her stomach to possibly throw up, so she tries to shove the acid back down. Fisting her sheets in her hands, she plunges beneath the covers, eyes clenched so tight that pink and purple stars fall quickly behind her lids.

Sleep claims her fifteen minutes after she bites her lip so hard she bleeds a little on her pillow.

It's 3:30 when her eyes open again. Fighting desperately to return to the world of the unconscious, she refuses to move an inch. And then suddenly she can't hold back anymore, and vomit is rising up the back of her throat and _OHMYFREAKINGGOD_ she barely makes it to the porcelain bowl before it all comes spewing out. Except there's not much really, only yellow bile and saliva and she dry heaves for a good twenty minutes, face first in the toilet, reminiscent of the nights when she eats just a little too much and has to have that empty stomach feeling again.

Finally she crawls from the bathroom back to her bedroom, and collapses exhaustedly on the floor, mouth sour with acid and hair stuck to her forehead with sweat. Her phone beeps from her bedside table and she reaches tiredly, hand-over-head for it, already coming up with the bullshit that'll satisfy Andre or Cat's worries. But then she doesn't have to say anything, no response whatsoever because it's the one person that's contributed to her mental breakdown and tears are sort of swelling in the corner of her eyes, and damnit she can't fucking see.

**i'll be there in five minutes.**

**-beck**

.

She doesn't answer his text.

He kind of panics a little bit, running fingers through dark hair and pounding anxiously on the steering wheel. Traffic doesn't move fast enough, and he almost_almost_ cusses out some guy in a range rover with shitty tattoos, but that would probably be a waste of time, so he settles for the middle finger instead. And honestly he shouldn't be this flustered but there's something inside him that's pressing a little harder on the gas then necessary.

She doesn't answer the door either. He paces, combat boots on cement until he remembers there's one in the back that's probably unlocked. Their poor shrubbery doesn't stand a chance, although he tries to go easy on the tulips when he hops the fence. Opening the back glass door sends ripples of relief that are probably a little too early, and then he's taking the stairs three at a time because two won't get him there fast enough. Her door is half open, (he can tell it's hers because the other door has an obnoxious crystal "T" on it that's sort of Tori, but mostly Trina). He stands outside, chest heaving for about 2.3 seconds, and then he's standing in the doorway to Tori Vega's bedroom like a deer in the headlights.

.

He would show up at a time like this. Effing great.

Her heart crackles, crumbles and she watches him from the floor. This is fucked up; totally messed. Words congregate on her lips, and then disappear before she can put any sound to them. They've screwed up big time and she's knows that he knows and soon Jade's going to have to know because it's only been two days and she can't take it.

Some might say that Tori Vega is too nice, too sweet and too forgiving. This is true.

But they don't hear the voice and they don't see the poison that's burning her alive, inside and out, so most of them just don't understand.

.

He doesn't really know what to do at first. Her eyes are kind of glazed over, but she's looking at him from where her cheek is pressed into the carpet, and if his eyesight is still a perfect 20/20 that's her bottom lip that's quivering dangerously, foreshadowing an inevitable breakdown. Jesus, he can't take it when girls cry, much less this one, who's been nagging at him and nagging at him until two nights before.

He bites his lip, just a little torn, and then fucks it all, strides over and drops to his knees, hauling her skin and bones into his lap. She's light as feather; a bit ironic considering the air in the room is suffocating him. He'd never noticed before how incredibly skinny she was until now. All she's wearing is a baggy tee and _ohgodjustunderwear?_ and the shirt is hanging off of her (while those boy-shorts are obviously clinging in alllllllll the right places). He wraps his arms around her; pushing her face into the crook of his neck, and hoping to God that he's doing something right for once.

She doesn't respond, no "stop, this is wrong,", no indication that they shouldn't be like this. They sit there breathing, until each breath is the same and the clock says 4:57.

Then three fingers; thin and calloused and painted in violet, grip his shirt and don't let go.

A whimper. A sniffle. His collar is wet.

"We're fucked up, aren't we? We- we messed up."

"I know." Her lips are moving against his jugular. The hair on the back of his neck is standing at attention. "The guilt is killing me, Beck. I can't do this. Not this too. I can't, I can't, I can't.."

"I'll fix it." He says. He doesn't know how. Actually he really, really just wants to stay here like this, because the vanilla is back and he's kind of overwhelmed. And then…

"Beck…do you think I'm beautiful?"

Now's the time where he tells her yes but, and then proceeds to list off the reasons why he actually didn't really mean to kiss her (The lights we're making him dizzy? He fell into her lips? What the fuck is wrong with him?) But jeez, he can't lie. Beck doesn't keep secrets from anyone or anybody. So he doesn't.

"God yes, Tori. Everyone does. Why do you think Jade's such a bitch to you?"

She doesn't answer.

He thinks maybe bringing up Jade wasn't the best idea. But then all the sudden Tori's visibly shaking in his arms, and a sob erupts from her throat and his whole neck is vibrating and soaked with her tears.

Beck thinks he has a lot more to learn about girls. He grips her tighter, and wonders just how the hell he'd let his life become this complicated.

* * *

><p>A lot of the chapters I've posted before are relatively the same. I'm posting them due to some slight editing and changes. I want to make sure the story flows the right way. When we get to new stuff it'll be really exciting (: I'm ready.<p>

M.


	3. you won't feel a thing

**you won't feel a thing.**

* * *

><p>Tori doesn't know what's worse.<p>

The fact that she'd spent another night, once again, in her friend's (not best-friends, because let's face it, Jade's kind of a bitch) boyfriend's arms, or the fact that after he'd left last night she'd shoved 5 chocolate cupcakes down her throat and fallen asleep before she could puke them back up again.

There's a rock in her stomach and a hole in her heart, and nobody has a clue. Maybe she should stick to acting instead of singing.

.

Jade won't shut up.

He watches her shiny, burgundy lips go up and down and all around, and thinks of another. What's wrong with him? Suddenly he's this cheater-boyfriend and he feels like one of those fuck-ups that get caught on television sleeping with their mistress while the girlfriend bitches and makes them look retarded. Except…Jade hasn't really acted suspicious…at all. In fact she's cheerier than usual and only threatened Robbie with death twice today - practically a record. It doesn't seem like she's about to rip his penis off and humiliate him at all.

So what's wrong?

She's what's wrong.

He can't get Tori Vega out of his mind. He really, really _really_ can't and DEAR GOD, he doesn't know why. A week ago, he would've agreed to the fact that yes, she was smoking, and yes he might've gone for her if he didn't have a girlfriend. But he does have a girlfriend (and maybe she's bitchy, but he really does love her). And he had a girlfriend when he decided to grind on her all night long at some random loser's basement party. Not to mention he wasn't even drunk.

Just kind of turned on by the look in her eyes the moment she saw him walk through the door. Like he was exactly what she'd been wanting all along, and at the moment in time he wanted to give it to her. Him. He wanted to give himself to her.

_Dear god, he's a chick._

Things are different now though. Because last night was weird; or maybe not weird but eye-opening. He looks at Jade and her rough exterior, pouty painted lips, fishnets and wants to do her. There's something so hot about the way she bosses him around sometimes, and the fact that he's the only one who gets to see her sort-of-soft Jade-side means a lot to him. And then he looks at Tori where she's sitting diagonally to the right across the table, stabbing at a piece of lettuce and laughing at something Andre's just said and he wants her. Not like…wants to go buck-wild in his trailer after school, but like he wants to hold her again. He wants to bury his face in her dark chocolate waves and inhale until his brain is numb. All of the sudden the Tori Vega he thought he knew has become the Tori Vega he needs to know. In fact, he wants to know her again and again until the feeling of her skin is ingrained in his memory, and his name is the first thing out of her mouth, always.

It's scary. It's strange. And he's not quite sure what to do now.

.

Beck's staring at her.

She shifts in her seat and smiles again at Andre because the story he's telling actually sounds a bit interesting from what she's tuned into, and she doesn't want it to seem like she's not paying attention.

But he's staring and it's _sososo_ bad, but so good. Why is he looking? Jade is talking on and on in his ear, three inches away. It's dangerous.

Her stomach twists violently when she finally sticks a tomato in her mouth and chews.

"So you're grandma actually ate it? Gross!" Cat says in her perpetually surprised voice. She laughs loudly; girlishly and then pokes Jade in the arm with her cherry-dipped fingernail.

"Hey Jade? Did you hear that? Andre's grandma ate …." Her voice fades off into the distance and Tori finally gets the guts to meet his eyes. Damn. She can tell he's not paying attention by the way his fingers are drumming on the cover of his Trigonometry book. It's like when you're so wrapped up in your thoughts that you eventually find you've been looking at someone or something for a really long time, and it can get kind of awkward.

Except when he finally snaps back to life, she doesn't really feel awkward. Just kind of turned on. Nothing can be awkward between them now anyways; not after her mental breakdown last night, after he stayed and hid in her closet when Trina came in, and let her use his chest as a pillow until 2 in the morning. They hadn't even talked much either.

Just sat. And cried (well she did). And said a few words every half an hour.

But maybe they should. Maybe they should talk. She looks away and her fingers find the shiny purple hairband on her wrist and start snapping. Maybe they should talk, and **NOTNOT_NOT_** kiss and actually talk about what's going on. She's tortured enough at nights, and fixing this might fix her guilty conscience (but not once and for all because she's too far gone for that.) Honestly, the pressure and the perfection and everything is weighing down on her ten times heavier than it had before and she's afraid she might crack. And if she cracks, she can't sing. She can't keep searching for the Tori she lost.

They definitely need to talk.

.

**Meet me after school? My room.**

**-Tori**

He gets the message in Sikowitz class, where she's recently been moved right behind him two seats to the left. Ten minutes…Five minutes…One.

The bell rings, he makes up an excuse, kisses Jade and he's gone.

He doesn't speed on the way to her house this time. Partially because he wants to make it there alive to hear what she has to say, and partly because he's afraid of what she'll say. What if..what if..what if…

He really is turning into a chick.

The front door isn't locked this time, and the steps go by too fast but not fast enough. When he gets to her room the door is open, she's sitting cross legged on her bed, and her fingers are snap-snap-snapping that band against her wrist.

She looks. Bites her bottom lip, and then licks it. He sucked on that bottom lip.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I've been thinking….We should stop."

Something burns a little inside his chest. He's not exactly sure why, but anger and desperation flares up a little bit. Just a little.

"Sick of me already?"

"Beck….You're cheating on Jade."

"We kissed once."

"And?"

She stands, cocks her hip to the side and squints at him. Alright, perhaps he's making this difficult. But still. She has to remember the goal here. How she has to find some way to live with herself without wanting to rip out her tongue before she shoves it down his throat again.

"And I danced on you. We danced…together. We kissed. And last night…"

"You needed me."

Her mouths falls open a little, like this isn't what she'd expected. He guesses that it's not. It's not really what he expected either.

"Beck, I feel awful. So do you…you know you do. You don't keep secrets remember?" Hell yes he remembers. She's right. Why the fuck is honesty his policy of choice? He's a teenager, and that is sososo dumb.

"Well I-…" Tori looks at him expectantly, and then he sees it. Right there, right in front of him. She's forcing herself into this. Maybe not forcing exactly, but she's fidgeting just a little and right now her acting skills are cracking just a tiny bit. He can tell because he's an actor too, just mostly on stage. She doesn't want this…and neither does he. "I don't care, actually."

"What?"

He shrugs. "I don't care. I feel bad but…I don't want to stop."

She's gaping at him. Yank-yanking-yanking on the hairband. "But-but….why not?"

The answer is effervescently clear.

"Because,.. well I've made some recent decisions." He sticks his hands in his pockets, surprisingly cool for what he's about to say. His heart is actually beating really fast. Here's another one of those things he might regret (something inside is telling him he won't).

"And I realized that what I want…is you."

* * *

><p>Beck doesn't know wtf he's doing here, let's be honest. Like many men before him, i don't think he's thought this life choice through. lol. Announcing his desire for Tori even though he has a girlfriend?<p>

ahh beckett.

M.


	4. these are the lies

**these are the lies**

* * *

><p>In the end, she kicks him out.<p>

Honestly, he doesn't exactly remember what she said (there was a lot of crying, and some screaming, and a shoe might have hit him in the shoulder), but he knows it's not good. Not good at all.

(What she said-and what he didn't hear- is that she can't deal with this drama, and she doesn't help her friend's boyfriend cheat, and that he shouldn't have kissed her and he was being utterly preposterous and he needed to stop lying and GETGETGET OUT, because bad things were going to happen, etc. Basically one long run on sentence filled with wet hiccupy interruptions and frustrated heavy breathing.)

She shoves him onto the front stoop, and slams the door so loud the windows rattle. And he stares at it, dumbfounded.

What has he done?

If Jade finds out, she'll kill him. Even worse he can't make sense of what's just happened for the life of him, only be sure that his shitty honesty schtick has officially come to an end. Apparently being truthful about his feelings only finds him dodging stilettoes and getting doors slammed in his face.

What kind of awful person is he?

He scuffs his boots against the pavement on the way back to his truck, and doesn't turn on the radio the entire way home. The silence is loud.

Her sobs in his memory are louder.

.

She thinks he's a liar. (Who would really, honestly want her? Doesn't he look at her everyday and see the imperfections? What about Jade? She conveniently screws his honesty policy and dubs him a huge mega-fucking LIAR.)

She climbs the stairs and it takes ten years because her legs feel like lead. And when her bones hit the bed, she pictures him out there still standing on the stoop.

She wants him. Tori Vega wants something other then _skinnyskinnyskinny_ and stardom and Hollywood. And just like everything else, Beck is something she can't have. Something she doesn't deserve.

She hopes he'll stay away, and stop giving her those smoldering looks in lunch, and STOP showing up when she needs him.

Because otherwise they're both fucked for good.

.

Two days go by.

She either doesn't acknowledge him or avoids the group altogether. Apparently she talks to Andre though, because when Cat gets curious he says "Tori's worried about her grades and wants to get some studying in." and Beck gets a little bit jealous.

Just a little.

On the outside everything is cool. He laughs at lunch, makes out with Jade, and Wednesday night he bangs her so hard she gets a headache from slamming into the headboard. Everything is great. So so so so great.

Except it's not.

He doesn't get why she won't talk to him. It doesn't make sense. Okay, so she didn't want to be "involved." They didn't have to be involved! They're friends right? And friends talk. Especially when they're experiencing rough patches in their _friendly _relationships.

Maybe he hadn't exactly heard every single word she's said before. But he wants something; he needs some kind of contact. Some kind of communication. It was silly really; all this ignoring and avoiding and quiet in between them. (actually, it's really frustrating and really fucking dumb). And she'd gotten to scream at him before, right? She'd said her piece, and now shouldn't he get to say his?

Yes. Beck thinks it's his turn to get a word in, whether Tori screams at him again or not.

And boy does she scream.

.

"Beckett Oliver!"

It's fourth period and he's managed to drag them both into the janitor's closet (no small feat - Tori's a struggler) and now he's thinking the way she says his name - all high pitched and indignant - is kind of sexy. She's smacked him on the chest though and it stings so it kind of takes the edge off.

"Didn't you listen to a word I said?" Actually no, he hadn't. But he doesn't tell her that. Instead he goes straight for the kill.

"You need to stop avoiding me."

Her perfect eyebrows furrow in anger, and she scoffs. "Who said I was avoiding you?"

He smiles, a bit smug. Clearly she lacks knowledge of his uncanny ability to see right through to her very soul. "You're a good actress, but you can't fucking lie to me, Tori."

Her eyes widen, and she's silent for a moment, before slumping bony shoulders against the wall. Defeated.

"Alright. Fine. I've been avoiding you."

"Why?"

She frowns. "You really didn't hear anything I said before, did you?"

He shrugs noncommittally, but feels a tad bit sheepish. "I was kinda busy dodging stilettos, so..."

Chocolate eyes narrow, and then roll. "You're a fucking idiot."

Ouch. Harsh. Name-calling isn't really necessary here (unless she's saying his name through kiss-bruised lips, and it's all breathy and passionate. uhm. Jade who?) Beck decides to keep that thought to himself. "Well, it doesn't matter anyways. Stop avoiding me."

"Why? What's the point?" Tori meets his gaze finally, but her expression is bland. For the first time he sees how lifeless she looks, dressed in a sweatshirt that's much too big and kind of engulfs her body without promise of giving it back. There are dark smudgy clouds under her eyes and her hair is looking a bit flat.

"I just," He runs a hand through his hair. Suddenly, he's not feeling very suave and convincing. It's clear that this is the part where he has to admit to emotions and thoughts and feelings and stuff. This is almost as hard as when he'd first started dating Jade. "I want to talk to you, ya know? I mean, we're friends. Why can't we just...talk?"

Her eyebrows shoot skyward; perfect arches on a tan canvas. "Talk? We've talked before?"

"I know...I know." Fuck, this is hard. "But...I guess I just want us to be cool again."

She stares at him, mouth open. He uses a finger to close her jaw.

"You want us to be cool? That's all?"

He nods, brings a hand back to rub his neck. "Yeah. I guess that's all." Lies, he thinks. Blatant Lies. But it's only now, after the words have left his mouth, that he realizes he does NOT want to just talk. Actually, he knew it all along. (UH OH. WHERE HAVE HIS MORALS GONE? HE'S A CHEATER AND A LIAR TOO)

She looks at him then. Right into his eyes as if she's trying to read him like a map or a book. And then she straightens up, adjusts the strap of her bag on her shoulder and gives him a pathetically forced smile. "Okay. Fine." And then she stalks past him, flings open the door, and vanishes into the hall.

Beck thinks that "talking" might not live up to it's shiny, promising appeal.

.

The bathroom stall is a pathetic place to cry, but Tori resigns herself to the porcelain seat and balls toilet paper into her first anyways.

He wants to talk. That's all. He just wants to be cool again.

What the actual fuck?

She cries into her knees because he actually wants to be friends and sobs because he only wants to be friends. She lets out a few tears for Jade too, because even bitches didn't deserve to be cheated on and Tori still wants her boyfriend. She wants him everywhere at once, around her, above her and inside her until she can't feel a fucking thing. But he wants to "_be cool."_

When she finally picks herself up and looks into the giant mirror on the wall she can't stand to see herself for more than a few seconds. The toilet looks inviting - for other reasons- and the back of her throat burns with anticipation. But she leaves before she can shove two fingers in her mouth, schooling a neutral expression onto her face.

In the hall no one asks why there are large wet circles on her jeans, just above the knee. She's perfect Tori Vega; there has to be a good reason.

Nobody knows she's breaking either.

* * *

><p>i would like to say that nothing about what i've written previously is changing. i've gone through and edited a bit, and so that stuff is mostly the same aside for changing of words etc. just for the review i received about not wanting anything to change. don't worry! it's generally the same.<p>

also you'll find that robbie isn't in this story very much because i don't really feel like incorporating his character tbh. he exhausts me, and i like cat more. also i dont feel like having to write for his lil puppet, like ugh nah. everyone else i love tho 3

the title and song for this chapter is These Are the Lies by the Cab

M.


	5. one in a million

**one in a million**

* * *

><p>Not much changes after their little discussion. The week finishes and another one starts. Life resumes and settles normally….sort of.<p>

She starts coming to lunch more often, sticks around at her locker longer than before. But nothing really changes.

Beck looks at her a lot. A lot, a lot. Enough to keep her skin constantly prickling, and her eyes perpetually darting away from his. It's unsettling, but it's…good. It's what she's wanted since her first moment at Hollywood Arts and it's what she's longed for. But the guilt is still eating away at her so she shoves the delighted devil from her shoulder and locks it away in the back of her mind.

No Beck, she thinks. No Beck.

(But her body screams for him, and the devil is a sneaky little escape artist who pounds at her heart and threatens to beat the door down.)

"No Beck" has become a mantra that plays on repeat.

.

Approximately six days after his "talking" suggestion blows up into a million tiny pieces, Beck comes up with an ingenius plan.

He's going to kidnap her.

And no, not in a creepy rapist way. In a romantic, spontaneous way. Like the boys in the cutesy little teen romance books Cat reads sometimes. (NO. He did not ONCE sneak a peek at ANY of them….well maybe one….one time.) But it'll be late at night, and since he'd found a way to get off her roof before (last week when he'd had to leave her house at 2 in the morning), he figures he can get back up there.

So Wednesday night, instead of working on his script, he slips out of the RV and takes the short route to her house. He lets the truck idle for a moment and then pulls around the block and parks down the street, just in case. The neighborhood is dark and a little bit ominous, and the breeze whispers in his ear how terrible a person he is

Cheater.

Liar.

He tells the wind to shut the fuck up, and begins to scale the side of Tori's house. It's not easy; actually not even close to as easy as coming down was. But there's a soft glowing light coming through her bedroom curtains and the fact that he almost breaks his neck becomes irrelevant.

"Tori." He whispers. The window is half open, but there's no answer. "Tori?"

Beck ponders knocking and the repercussions this action could have, and then decides to do it anyway. He taps three times against the glass and blows a strand of hair out of his face.

"Tori, if you don't come to the damn window I'll-"

The curtains part and there she is. At first she looks a bit cautious, brandishing a lamp in her hand and biting her lip. But as soon as she sees him, her eyebrows shoot up almost comically and she sets the lamp down with a sigh.

"Beck? What are you doing on my roof?"

He shrugs. "Just chillin'."

"Yeah sure." She pushes the glass up far enough for him to crawl through, and steps back. "Get in here before you kill yourself, please."

Ahhh. And now it was time to put his plan in action. "Actually no, I was wondering if you could take a look at my watch. I think I broke it this morning." He says, and almost laughs at the idiotic excuse. The lie slides smoothly off his tongue though, and he holds up his wrist baring the black G-Shock. "It's not working right."

Tori frowns, looking skeptical. "Your…watch? Is that why you came here?"

"Yep."

She fights with herself, he can see it. She's too nice of a person to refuse someone asking for help, even if it's him. A few moments and then she shuffles towards him, a battle raging across her face. Finally she gestures for him to stick his wrist through the window.

"Okay…Let's see it."

She doesn't see it coming. Of course she doesn't. He reaches out to her, and instead of letting her take his wrist, he grabs hers instead. And pulls. Hard.

"HEY!"

He yanks her towards the sill and then grabs a hold of her forearm. She's so caught off guard that her body flies towards him and it's just enough that he can reach in and wrap an arm around her torso. She's light, and despite her meager flailing, he manages to haul her through the window and clamp a hand over her mouth without falling off the house. Had the roof been more slanted, he might've tumbled back. But the odds appear to be in his favor. Once he's got her fully out of window, he sets her down next him, keeping his fingers pushed against her lips.

"Shhh," he hisses. "I'll let go as long as you don't go shouting to the heavens."

She scowls against his palm, (her lips are just as smooth as he remembered), and then nods, chocolate eyes rolling. "Fnnnn"

He assumes this means "Fine," and slowly drops his hand. Her whisper-rage is just as scary as her screaming at the top of her lungs.

"What the hell! You just dragged me out of my bedroom! Does your watch even need fixing?"

Beck grins, despite the fact that she's kind of scaring him. "Nope."

Tori glares at him, really glares at him like he's the last thing on the earth she'd ever want to see…and then she gives in. As usual. Her shoulders slump and she runs a hand through her brown waves.

"Then what do you want, Beckett?"

The way she says his name – his full name – startles him. It's sad and resigned but it does impossible things to his brain. He knows suddenly, that he can't leave her alone now. He's crossed the line and whether it takes him straight to hell or has him floating on clouds of vanilla, he couldn't care less.

"Well," he says. "We're friends, right? So…I thought we should hang out."

"Right now? At 11:30? On a school night?" She says.

"Right now." He says determinedly. "I won't take no for an answer. So do I have to drag you off the roof, or will you let yourself be willingly kidnapped for the night, Tori Vega?"

She ponders it. Presses her lips together. And then she dusts off her hands on her sweatpants.

"Okay. Let me get a sweatshirt."

"Hell no. You can use mine. I brought an extra." He says, and holds out a hand. "You can't fool me, Vega."

She huffs, looks spitefully at his silver-ringed fingers, and than takes them with a frown.

"Damn you, Oliver."

"Yeah, yeah."

Oh sweet, sweet victory.

.

The ride is almost unbearably quiet. She doesn't even know where they're going. After a rather frightening experience attempting to get down off her roof, Tori finds herself pouting in the front seat of his truck. HIS truck.

_**NO BECK. NO BECK. NO BECK.**_

The devil giggles delightedly on her shoulder and this time she can hardly bring herself to stop it. He was there, right there. He'd come for her and dragged her out of her bedroom window. How could she possibly withstand the temptation now?

_Easy_. Her brain says. _Be short. Be frank. Be curt. Be blunt. Don't be Tori._

Her heart agrees with the devil, while her mind begs for practicality.

_Besides, he doesn't like you anyways. You're friends, remember? Just friends. No Beck for poor little Tori. No Beck for anyone but Jade._

Her fingers curl in her lap until there are crescents in the skin of her palms. Why couldn't she have just one thing she wanted? Just one, just once?

_You don't deserve it. So sit there, be a good girl and don't do anything stupid._

She inhales and exhales, turns to stare out the window. Sometimes her brain is a bitch. The words form on her tongue and can't be stopped. They crack the silence and it shatters like her heart.

"So…uh…how's Jade?"

His eyes widen, and he grips the steering wheel just a little bit tighter. She can see the white of his knuckles even in the dark.

"Fine, I guess. She's still ….well. Jade."

"Ahh." Awkward. She bites down on her lip. "Well, you know. Jade is…I think she hides her soft side. I mean…she's a bitch. No offense. But I think she's really a good person underneath everything. She just doesn't want anyone to see it."

Good job, Tori. Remind him of what he has to come home to.

"You're right." He says softly, but his eyes never leave the road. There's a wistful look on his face, and her stomach goes sour. "You're right. She's a good person."

And she's right for once, but it's not the kind of right she'd like to be.

.

He hopes the playground is good enough. It's in an old park he used to go to as a kid, and it's a good half an hour away but the silence isn't so awful. Her question throws him off but her insight on his girlfriend is spot on. The fact that she's so perceptive makes him wonder what else she's picked up on.

A few minutes away from their destination, he turns to her. She gazing straight ahead, but there are purplish bruises under her eyes and her arms are crossed.

"Hey Tori?"

"Yes Beck?" It comes through a yawn.

"Do me a favor and close your eyes okay? No peeking. We'll be there in like…two minutes tops."

She shrugs. "Alright." And eyelids flutter closed, lashes brushing her cheeks. He swallows hard and turns back to the road. How had it taken him so long to realize how gorgeous she was? He'd been so enraptured with Jade, and now suddenly he was thinking of romantic things to do for an impossible girl he could never have. How…whipped of him.

It dawns on him. He's whipped. Oh sweet Jesus.

He pulls along the side of the road once the red swing-set is visible in the distance, and hops out, strolling around the back to the passenger seat. She's still sitting there patiently, eyes closed when he opens the door.

"Alright. We're here. Take my hand, and don't look." He says. Reaching for her tan fingers, he helps her out of the truck and then intertwines them with his own. They're surprisingly calloused; not as soft as he'd imagined they'd be.

"Okay, boss. Lead the way." Sarcasm drips into the words, but she holds tightly to him, and doesn't let go until they've stopped on the hill, right next to the swing-set. He doesn't know what else to do so he takes a deep breath, and drops her hand. (It was almost too perfect a fit to his own. He _has_ to remember jade.)

"We're here."

Tori bites her lip and then slowly opens her eyes. The moment she sees the swings they light up, and Beck knows then that he'd picked the perfect place. There's a part of her that's still a child, and it comes to life as she bursts into a sudden sprint.

"Beck! Swings!" She launches her skinny body into the seat of one and pushes off the ground with slipper-clad feet. A giggle erupts from her throat and her head flies back, curls bouncing."Oh my god, this is amazing! I can't remember the last time I did this!"

He grins. Everything was perfect. PerfectPerfect_Perfect_.

"So you're not mad at my kidnapping you then?"

"Depends. Are you going to join me?" A full blown smile breaks out onto his face and he can't help it. He's in love with the way she's already flying through the air, gripping the chain link tightly.

"You'd better believe it."

.

There is nothing better than this, Tori decides.

They're laying on the grass, gazing up at a sky that's full of stars, but also airplanes and helicopters because life still went on even if it felt like they were completely alone. Having swung for a good half an hour, and then thrown themselves wildly into the air at the highest height possible, they haven't moved from where they'd fallen. His head is close to her own, and she can see the rise and fall of his chest. Their hands are dangerously close.

"So tell me something about you." he says. "Something nobody knows."

Don't do it, Tori. Don't tell him about it. She thinks of porcelain toilet bowls and sugar that pleases her tongue but not her stomach. Not tonight. Not a secret for tonight. So she says something else instead.

"I don't think I'll ever make it big."

His gaze swivels from the sky to meet hers. "Why not?"

She shrugs noncommittally, but inside it's really a big deal. It's her greatest fear besides being the size of a small whale. "I just...I don't know. There are so many of us that go to HA who have dreams like mine. I'm just the same…nothing special. There's nothing that makes me stand out. I mean…how many of us will actually go on to be famous actors, or singers or playwrights or directors?"

Beck is silent for a moment, and she can tell he's thinking hard. "You don't think we'll do something great?"

The way he says it implies the both of them, or maybe all of them. The entire group with their pretty little red-head, and the boy who can't speak the truth unless it's through the mouth of his puppet. But she knows some of them will make it. Andre's voice is like no other, and he can play every instrument he touches. And Beck. Definitely him. She's read his scripts and seen him act.

"Oh no. You will. I know you will. You're…," she searches for the word. "You're gifted. Some people are talented and some people have gifts. That's you."

"So what are you then?" he says. He shifts a little and her finger brushes the back of his hand. The answer is sad to her. It's painful to say it out loud.

"I'm talented. I'm…I'm ordinary. I'm not special like you, Beck. I try too hard. I mess up too much. I sing but let's face it...everyone at Hollywood Arts can sing...besides Trina." A knot has formed in her throat and she struggles to speak around it. "I am nothing like you. Nothing."

"Don't say that." All the sudden he's sitting up, looking at her in the way that makes her burn. There's something in his expression that's fierce, and she feels vulnerable so she sits up too. "Are you out of your mind?"

"I-.."

"Tori," he says, and he reaches for her hand. Their fingers fall together like pieces of a human puzzle. "Are you completely insane?"

"No but really, I'm not. I mean l try but-.."

"Shut up." He says. Her mouth falls open, and she can't decide whether to listen to him, or feel offended, but he continues before she can pick one. "You…you are completely ridiculous."

"But why?"

He shakes his head, and stands abruptly, yanking her up with him. " Just…I can't….nevermind. Come on, it's past 1, and you're probably sleep-deprived. I'll take you home."

She stumbles along behind him all the way down the hill, and falls obediently into the passenger seat when he opens up the door. Confusion is bubbling up inside, but tears are winning and threaten to come cascading down. Instead she digs her fingernails into the seat and bites the inside of her cheek the entire way home. She doesn't even bother looking at him, in case he found that insane too.

What was so awful about what she'd said? She was just being honest. The back of her throat begins to ache and she swallows hard. _Great job, Tori. Always the fuck-up._

His truck pulls up in front of her house, and he undoes his seatbelt. Beck doesn't say a word, but his fingers drum a frantic beat on the steering wheel, as if he's trying to come up with something to say. Her heart races, and suddenly she's angry at him. Angry for making her confused. Angry for making her so willing to share her feelings. Angry for making her love him. She rips off her seatbelt, throws open the passenger door and flings her body out. She's half way up the driveway in the blink of an eye.

"Tori!" Another car door slams. She doesn't look back.

"Tori!" A hand grips her wrist, whips her around, and then she's being smothered into wife-beater clad chest. Her useless struggles are nothing compared to his hold on her, and she can't help feeling desperate. She's losing this battle. LosingLosingLosing.

Why can't she just give in and let herself be lost for once?

"I'm sorry," His voice sounds like regret. "I'm sorry."

She tries to shove him away and than there are wet streaks down her face all of the sudden and she feels ugly and disgusting and upset. "No sorries. No _fucking_ sorries."

"Stop." He says. He pulls her to him, trapping her arms between them and his hands are on her face, pushing the hair away and swiping at the tears. There's no room for her to move. His eyes find hers and don't look away. "Listen to me! I ….I was mad, okay? I was mad because you don't see it, Tori. You don't see how completely fucking perfect you are. You are so mind-blowingly amazing, and I could hear it in your voice how much you think you're not. Don't listen to the voice in your head, Tori. Don't listen to it because it lies. It lies."

"No," her protest is weak, even to her own ears. "That's not true."

"Yes." He whispers. His face falls closer until his inhale is her exhale, and the pads of his thumbs move over her cheeks. "Yes, it is."

She doesn't speak again. The words are crammed inside her throat and he's too close for her to unclog them. They stand there in her driveway for what seems like years, faces too close for friends, until her breath has stopped coming in furious gasps and they are just existing. His fingers fall from her face to her neck until they rest on her shoulders. It's too perfect, so she doesn't let it last any longer.

"I've got to go, Beck."

"I know." His words tickle her lips. He is almost cheating on Jade again, so she takes a step back. Just one tiny step that creates an ocean between them. His hands fall from her shoulders, but not before they trace her shoulder blades.

"Thank you...for everything." Tori tries to keep her voice steady, but its hard. She just about cracks, and she knows he knows it. He smiles sadly.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"I..."

"It's okay, Tori. I'll make you believe it. I swear I will." He shakes his head, but determination has crept into his tone. She doesn't like the way he knows her; the way he sees right through everything. It's too much. He teeters on the edge of falling into the pit of her problems, and she can't let him. She can't be exposed like that. So she smiles, a very fake smile, and says very softly:

"Whatever you say, Beck Oliver."

And then she turns on her heel and flees for the safety of her room, leaving him standing alone in the middle of her driveway.

_"You can't fool me, Vega."_

* * *

><p><em>one in a million - Breathe Electric<em>

_M._


	6. testosterone boys & harlequin girls

**testosterone boys & harlequin girls**

* * *

><p>"So then I told him 'Michael, you can't take the baby turtle out of its shell! It'll be nothing but a floppy, useless turtle blob. And turtle blobs don't make good pets.' And then we went to the store and bought mangos!"<p>

Tori shifts uneasily in her seat. Lunch time. It's her most dreaded, yet most exhilarating period of all. Cat's been telling stories for a solid ten minutes now, and everyone else is silent either engulfed in their food, or cutting things into millions of unrecognizable pieces (Jade). This is how it usually is for the most part, Cat blathering on and everyone else shoving as much food into their mouths as possible. Except for Tori.

She's stabbing at some more lettuce wondering how exactly Beck can get away with looking at her so intently while Jade is mere inches away. And why hasn't anybody else noticed? For being such talented people, clearly they all lack in observatory skills.

"How interesting," Andre finally pipes up, dabbing the corner of his mouth with a napkin. "I never thought I'd hear so many turtle and mango related stories in fifteen minutes, Cat."

"I know. I'm too good , aren't I?" Cat beams and then roots around in her basket of fries, before whipping out a greasy, salty one and dangling it in Tori's face. "Bet you wish you had my fries, huh Tori-babe? They're sooooo good. You should have some; I'll share! Want it?"

The offending piece of food makes her sense of smell go haywire, and Tori wrinkles her nose, even as her stomach begs for it. "Uhm. No thanks, Cat. I'm not really hungy."

The pretty little red-head's face falls, and she shrugs her shoulders. "Okay. I'll eat my fries alone then." She looks so crestfallen that Tori almost regrets turning her down, but she can't let herself give in. She's been doing so well, lately. The recent…distractions have proved to be just enough to keep her going.

"I'll have a fry, Cat." He speaks up and reaches across to grab one. And just like that Little Red is smiling again. Tori's just glad he's not burning holes into her face anymore.

"If you're not hungry, than you can stop massacring that poor piece of lettuce." Jade says, haughtiness seeping through every syllable. The fork falls from Tori's fingers to the table with a clink. Her cheeks almost burn, but she shoves the embarrassment away and rolls her eyes. Of course.

"Since when do you care about the well-being of lettuce?" Beck says, and his girlfriend shrugs.

"Since Vega had to go and ruin it. You do that to everything, dontcha?" Her wicked grin sparkles behind painted burgundy lips. Tori tosses her a glare, but even so her brain agrees. Yes, you do.

"Not nice, Jade." Beck's eyes are on her for a split second, judging and checking for damage like she's breakable china (she may not be china, but she's most definitely broken) and then they're back on his girl.

"Yeah. That wasn't very nice, was it?." Jade stands with a swish of auburn and dumps her pile of cut up paper into Tori's barely-touched salad, before whipping around on her heel and stalking away. "Since you're not using it or anything." She calls over her shoulder, and then "Beck, let's go make out. NOW."

Tori watches the hesitation cross his face, feels the hope that begins to build at his reluctance. And then watches it all crash down, as casts her one meaningful look and gets up to follow Jade. It'll always be her, and she knows it. What flourishes in darkness can never survive in light.

"I have to talk to Beck-babe, later." Cat says randomly, and then she tosses a fry at Andre and giggles as it sticks in his hair. "Did I tell you about what we named Michael's turtle?"

.

Jade leads him to the janitor's closet, yanks him in and shows him exactly why he adores being her one and only. Except..well. There's the small factor of his mind reverting to Tori's indignant glare in this same exact spot only a week or so earlier and the tingle of her scent is still sort of frying his brain, when really, he should be focusing on the insane things Jade can do with her tongue.

But hey, you win some you lose some right? And he's losing it.

Trying to regain some ground in this rather intense session, he entangles his hand in Jade's hair until his fingers are grazing the soft skin at the base of her skull, and forces her head back so he can get to her neck. Lips work at her favorite spot, practically on autopilot, and he can feel her nails even through a few layers of clothing. She groans, and low growl builds in his throat, almost animalistically. This is nothing like kissing Tori, nothing like what he'd felt that night. Jade makes him wound up, fierce...sometimes even brutal and incredibly turned on all at the same time. Even now, as mixed up as he is about who he really wants, Beck's reminded of why he loves Jade...or at least loves to be with her. She makes him feel alive. And she had when he'd thought there was nothing interesting left for him in the world.

_._

_"Excuse me." A voice, rather sharp and filled with snarl, cuts into the rather furious conversation he'd been having with himself in his head(fuck this and fuck that and fuck them. why'd you let them convince you to move?). He looks up and the broodingly, bored expression on his face almost changes to one of amusement. Two fingers begin to drum on the desk he's chosen. This could be ...amusing._

_The girl, a pale but shockingly dark-haired and infuriated thing, is glaring at him under a pair of heavily mascara-ed eyelashes. Her leather-clad toe is tapping dangerously on the floor, and she's frowning so hard it looks painful. Everything about her is dark, dark, dark, but she's got spunk. Maybe this damn school won't be so awful after all._

_"What?" It comes out indifferent. Perfect._

_"You're sitting in my seat, pretty boy." Oh so she thought he was cute, too? Even better._

_"I'm new. Clearly, I am unaware of this. Calm down, Morticia." The class, having gone silent after the first comment, lets out a collective gasp. The girl scowls even harder...and then she smiles._

_"Thank you for the compliment. The Addams family was a great television series. Now get the fuck out of my seat."_

_He sighs, as if he's really contemplating moving his stuff to another desk in the classroom. The tapping gets a little bit louder. Finally, with an exaggerated shrug, he scoots back in his chair as if he's going to stand up. The girl smirks, positively victorious. But before she can get too happy, he lifts one leg up, closely followed by the other and crosses them comfortably on top of the desk._

_"I think I'll be staying. You never said please."_

_One moment. Another. And then the girl's smile drops, she folds her arms and says "Fine" in a tight little voice. She turns her nose up at him, and then stalks to the front of the room sinking into a seat in the first row. He grins at her hunched shoulders, and despite her entire bitch act, he can't help but acknowledge that hot feeling in his stomach. This school definitely wasn't so bad._

_First period ends and he goes through the rest of his day with a smirk firmly engrained in his face. His fellow classmates are really nothing but wanna-be's except for a few. A boy named Andre actually has some skill, and they bond in some freaky guy's class. And then a girl with shockingly bright red hair bounds up to him, kisses him on both cheeks, and says "bonjour, I'm Cat!" before running off in another direction, giggling behind her hand. She's cute in a rather girly way, so her oddness doesn't really bother him. Finally, the last bell rings, and he saunters from the room like a champ. He'd actually managed to have fun today, and as he comes around the corner, he realizes it isn't over._

_There she is, "Morticia", angrily stuffing books into her locker like they have done her some great injustice. His mind clearly isn't in sync with his feet because before he can even register it, he's strode across the hall to stand behind her. She whirls on him, frowns and opens her mouth to spit out some kind of well-thought-over insult, but he plants two hands firmly on the lockers behind both sides of her head. The sudden silence of the hall doesn't manage to reach his ears._

_The girl gapes at him, fury in her eyes, probably at his lack of attention to her personal space. He smiles, a real genuine smile, because he can see that she's beautiful and she's a bitch but she's perfect that way. And then he drops his hands, cups her too-smooth cheeks in both hands and kisses her solidly on the lips. It takes her all of two seconds to respond, and she does with a passion he's yet had the pleasure to taste._

_When he finally pulls away, he brings her bottom lip with him, letting it slide luxuriously between his teeth until she sucks it back into her own mouth. Vaguely, the sound of someone groaning "that is soooo hawwt." in the background manages to reach his brain, and it apparently reaches hers too. Fumbling for words, he can only smile sheepishly and say "Sorry." as realization dawns on her face, and her half lidded eyes snap open wide. The resounding "slap!" that follows, echoes painfully loud through the hallway._

_He's rubbing his cheek, and wondering if that was really worth it (it was) when her scowl transforms into a smirk. She bites her lip and says "I'm Jade." then a little haughtier. "And I forgive you."_

_"Beck." he mumbles. There's a slight taste of blood on his tongue, but its bitterness matches her perfectly._

_"Well Beck," Jade - definitely a fitting name because she is rather jaded - turns back to her locker and resumes tossing things around violently. "you may leave."_

_The pain of her slap is still vibrating under the surface but he refuses to take her dismissal so easily. Instead he removes his hand from his cheek and bends down to pick up the black messenger bag on the floor near her feet. She slams her locker shut and then freezes, turning back to face him with an eyebrow raised._

_"What are you doing?"_

_He shrugs noncomittally, all smooth and nonchalant again. " Well I was considering carrying this girl named Jade's bag because seeing as she's my girlfriend, I figured that would be the boyfriend thing to do. Unless she doesn't want me carry it-"_

_"She does." Jade is smirking, but the look on her face tells him he has passed the test and yes, he would do just fine for her. Anybody that could stick around through her violence and mood swings, and manage to beat her at her own game once in a while was worthy of her affection. At least for now._

_He holds out a hand. "Good."_

_She takes it. "Perfect."_

_Perfect indeed._

.

They make out for another fifteen minutes before the bell rings, and their lips seperate with a smack. Her face is uncharacteristically flushed and he's panting, trying to calm down enough to go to class without being so painfully turned on. Their loud breathing fills the air until they can both take a few deep breaths. Jade winds her arms around his neck and buries her face into his shoulder.

"I love these days." She whispers. "Everything can be so..so wrong but it's so right you know?" and then, "Don't tell anyone I'm being mushy again or I'll castrate you."

He sighs and presses his lips to her hair. There it is again; the guilt. It's rising up and constricting his throat and that awful feeling is pressing down on his chest. He loves Jade...he loves her. But he might love Tori too...and that's a problem.

"I won't."

They stay intertwined until the bell rings for a second time, indicating that all students should be in their appointed classrooms, and then they seperate. She stares at him in the darkness and then yanks him down to her lips one more time, mumbling something about him being far too pretty for a boy. And then she lets go, and spins on her heel, reaching for the door handle. Light is just beginning to filter in, when he calls her name.

"Jade...wait."

She turns, eyebrow raised expectantly.

"Lighten up on Tori okay? You can be a bit...crueler than necessary."

She tosses her hair, and rolls her eyes. "I don't like her, Beckett."

He nods. "I know. But...for me? Please?"

She smirks, and then flings the door open open, leaving a casual "I'll think about it" in her wake.

And while Beck counts to five hundred as per usual before exiting the closet, he prays to whatever God is listening that Jade will somehow break his heart before he unwillingly breaks hers.

* * *

><p>Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off  Panic! at the Disco

i wrote these chapters to all my old favorites back in the day. sigh. i miss those times.

review if you like.

M.


	7. it's better to burn

**it's better to burn**

* * *

><p>"Hello Beckett."<p>

"Hey Cat?" Beck widens the door of his RV so the petite redhead can slip in, which she does with some amount of innocent grace. He's a little surprised to see her here, especially at 9:30 on a school night, but she plops down on his bed as if there's nowhere else in the world that she desires to be. He's had a long day, especially trying to balance staring at Tori and Jade's tongue down his throat. To say he's done with females for the time being is an understatement.

"I need to talk to you, Becky-bear." She says, and he runs a hand through his hair. Becky-bear? He feels like a chick for the millionth time that week. Too many damn emotions…and another weird nickname.

"Okay?"

Her ruby red lips purse thoughtfully, and she fingers his sheets. It appears as if she's taking some time to gather her thoughts but she looks ridiculously cute. There aren't many people that Beck can say he would jump in front of a bullet for but there's something about Caterina Valentine that includes her in that group. Maybe it's her innocence, or her obliviousness, or the fact that underneath he knows she can be neither of those things at any given moment. She's random; a wild card and he can appreciate that. Just not enough to have other-than-close-friend-like-feelings for her.

"I know what happened at the party with you and Tori." She blurts out and Beck is jolted from his thoughts. Well, fuck.

"Ahh…I-well-I thought…" he stammers but she holds up a hand.

"Beckett, don't stutter. You thought I was passed out?" She shrugs. "I was. Apparently that liquor wasn't strong enough….there are things I remember that Grandma would call "scandalous" the way she always does when she watches those movies with partying teenagers on TV." She frowns momentarily before continuing. "But anyways, I saw it. You two locked lips and I'm living proof!"

"Cat…it was…I know it was wrong but-" Another hand pops up that dries up the words on his tongue.

"Don't lie to me, Becky. I just wanted to tell you that I think you should be careful with Tori-babe." Cat says. She sighs and seems to deflate before his eyes. "She's a special little cupcake and she's my best friend…well besides Jade. And that's another thing….

Look, all I'm saying is that I know. And I watch you guys. You better not hurt her feelings. I might seem oblivious sometimes but I know things. And if you and your pretty boy hair fuck with her feelings guess who's going to have to clean up the mess?" She sticks out a thumb and jabs it into her own thin chest. "This cute girl!" She fails to mention that she'll probably be stuck with a mess no matter what (she's chummy with the bitch AND the bitch's chew toy) but he thinks it rather nice that she's not pointing out the obvious.

"Cat… " Beck blows out a breath. This is the first time he's spoken with anyone about what happened besides Tori, and that always blew up in his face. "I don't know how I feel. I'm…confused. I love Jade, and you have no idea how guilty I feel about everything. But Tori…she's-"

"Special," Cat says softly. "Exactly. She's special, so don't ruin it. Don't crush her uniqueness into nothing because you can't decide what you want. No one deserves to be second string. No one deserves to be led on."

He stares at her, feeling a little lost. "I'm trying not to. I just….I want to be her friend. But I don't know how, and she doesn't make it easy. Not since what happened."

Cat brushes her hands off on her jean skirt and then stands abruptly. "Well then I guess it's up to you to figure that out Becky-bear." She smiles brightly. "I feel so much better getting that out, you have noooo idea."

Beck frowns and shakes his head. There's so much more he wants to ask Cat, like what to say, what to do, how to feel. But she doesn't have the answers and he knows it. She's probably already surpassed her "serious talking" time for the day, and will revert back to some nonsense story any second.

She doesn't. Instead Cat steps over a t-shirt and a pair of jeans piled on the floor, and takes a hold of his jaw between her red velvet finger tips. He's so shocked; he takes a step back and hits the wall of his RV. She's much shorter then him, so she's standing on her very tippy toes to attempt to meet his befuddled gaze. Since when was little red such a bad-ass?

"Pay attention, Becky," she commands, and he can see the darker streaks of brown in her irises. "You have to figure it out. I love my friends, so don't do something stupid okay? You idiot boys are always so stupid. And don't ," her fingers squeeze a little harder then before. "make the wrong choice."

Her fingers fall away and she skips gracefully towards the door, leaving him with eyebrows sky-high. A few words amidst delighted giggles reverberate through his skull after it slams shut.

"Bring me a muffin to school, yeah? I know your deepest darkest secret!"

.

The porcelain throne really isn't so bad, Tori thinks. She got a face full of it right now; neck deep in the white bowl with a slippery line of saliva trailing from her lips. It's been her savior for about four months now. Four beautiful months of shoving food down her throat, and gagging it back up again. Except….

Nothing else will come up. At least not right now.

Damnit.

She exhales and it echoes inside the small space. How could she be so stupid? Just one bowl of cereal. ONE. Her stomach had begged for it; practically fell to it's knees inside of her begging for the sweet sugar on her tongue and the comfort it brought. One bowl led to two. Two to three.

Here she was again.

At least, her brain reasons, she had gotten most of it out. Still the very small remnant of Fruit Loops that remained inside of her was making her incredibly regretful. The little voice inside won't stop screaming again. It never stops….ever.

_This kind of loss of control is what brought you into this mess._

_You don't have to eat everything._

_You didn't have to kiss Beck, Tori._

_You're stupid._

_You've failed yourself, again._

_You're not even that pretty, but here you are:_

_Slut._

Jade's face as she harassed her about stabbing the lettuce earlier that day suddenly blooms up beside her closed eyelids. _"You have to ruin everything, don'tcha?"_

If only Jade knew. If only she knew how her boyfriend's lips had teased her own just a few weeks ago. If only she knew how Tori had seduced her way into his hands, drunk off thousands of disgusting calories of booze in some desperate attempt to get out of her mind. She had no idea. Not one fucking clue.

You have to ruin everything, don'tcha?

Why yes, bitch. Yes she did. Tori Vega is a pro at ruining everything. Including herself.

* * *

><p>ilovecatvalentine.<p>

Nicotine - Panic! At the Disco

M.


	8. talk to me

**talk to me**

* * *

><p>The weekend passes slowly, and Tori finds herself tumbling through the days in a haze. It's been a few days since she's spoken to Beck. More then a few - too little (TOO MANY) so she wraps her mind around not eating too much and goes to a movie with Andre Saturday night. The movie isn't too bad, except for the minor love scenes. The actors are B rate and she has to hold back a cringe with each passionate moan. Everything in her soul prays she'll never end up b-rate, groaning naked in front of the camera so people like her can cringe about it.<p>

It's pathetic; the last thing she wants is to be remembered for being pathetic.

She wants to shine.

Afterwards they go to get ice cream and she doesn't protest because Andre's so excited about the double fudge brownie. She bites back her urges and gets a small vanilla cone without sprinkles. Andre looks at her like she's insane and mutters something about "small people with their small appetites" before taking a huge lick of his triple scoop (it's actually repulsive, her stomach literally turns). She takes it as a compliment. They wind up at a park and before she can comprehend it, they're parked and he's unbuckling his seatbelt while she stares slack jawed at the irony.

The same park Beck had taken her to. Fan-freaking-tastic. She almost chokes on her mouthful of vanilla and reluctantly climbs out of the passenger seat. Shit shit shit. Memories are her worst enemy, and she's bombarded as she slips her tiny waist in between the chain links and onto the seat. The stars are absent but she can see them again every time she blinks. She can almost hear his voice...

"So," Andre says from beside her,"I was thinking about breaking into my aunt's beach house next weekend. Invite everyone, pack some food and hang out. I think we all need a break."

This is true. This past week had been filled with tests and quizzes and surprise improv scenes and STRESS. She has a test Wednesday too, something she isn't looking forward to. They all could use a little break. But the beach? That meant bikinis. Ugh.

"Oh that sounds fun. You'll have to break in?"

"Well my aunt lives in Denver now, so the keys to the house are a little far away. But she hardly ever comes down, sometimes for a few days in the summer. If we don't completely trash it I think we'll be good." He licks around the base of the cone, but it's futile. Melted chocolate has dropped down onto his hand by this point and it's a lost cause.

"Cool. I'm in!" her voice comes out a lot more cheerful then the way she really feels. But maybe this is good; maybe she needs this. Maybe it'll be too cool out, after all it IS mid-fall; there's a possibility she wont even have to wear a bathing suit at all.

"Good. I already talked to Little Red. She's in too. I haven't asked Jade or Beck but they'll probably jump at a chance to share a bed." he shakes his head and chuckles. "Horny little fools."

Crap. She's forgotten about that. And so easily too. She'll be surrounded by him; no escape. And even worse she'll be subjecting herself to nonstop Bade. Nonstop harassment; nonstop heart-crushing. Fuuuuck.

But she can't back out now. She's already faked being excited too well.

"Yeah, you know Beck and Jade," she laughs and hopes it doesn't sound false."I'm sure it'll be fun."

"Of course. And I'll make sure to bring some beer." Andre holds out his slippery ice cream cone so she can bump hers with his in a toast. "To breaking in like delinquents!"

She knocks his, trying her damnedest to be sincere. She wants this; she wants to feel happy. She wants to forget about the calories, forget about HIM, and look forward to something for once. Just this once.

"Wooo! Go delinquents!"

.

"Torrrri! Good morning sunshine!" a bony arm wraps around Tori's shoulders Monday morning and strawberry glossed lips press against her cheek.

"Morning' Kit-Cat," she replies and shifts a pile of books into her arms. They feel heavier then usual, like ten pounds instead of normal five. She chalks it up to her horrible upper body strength before slamming her locker and falling in step with her friend. They have a few minutes before first period. "How are ya?"

"Excited! Beyond excited! More excited than when Michael bought me that parakeet named Ralph for my birthday three years ago!"

Tori wrinkles her nose. "You have a parakeet?"

"Not anymore," Cat replies airily, but she waves it off with her hand. "I just can't wait to get out of here. Just you, me, and all of our friends for a whole weekend. We can look for beach boys together, huh?" her chocolate eyes turn dreamy. "I remember the last time I went to the beach."

Ugh. Tori can distinctly remember the smell of her own sweat, among many other putrid scents, from the last time she and the others had attempted the beach like Cat. Not. Cool. Literally. She still had nightmares about being trapped in boiling RV's.

"Oh yeah," she says drily, "that was a blast."

"Oh come on Tori, this'll be better than that. Promise! We can find boys!" Cat links their arms and draws out the "oys" sound enticingly.

"Okay, okay. I guess those beach boys do sound pretty good. " she says and goes along with it. "Sun-bleached hair, and water dripping down lean surfer muscles. Mmmmm."

"Yes, yes!" Cat is practically drooling at the idea, and she looks so darn enthusiastic that Tori has to smile. Too frickin' adorable. Her happiness is infectious, almost like the way yawns are contagious, so she continues on with her fantasy.

"Who cares if we'll only be there for three days? I say we have a party right on the beach, hook ourselves a few surfer boys, and bring them back to Hollywood Arts! Why the hell not?"

"Bring who to Hollywood Arts?"

Well than. That happiness hadn't lasted very long.

Tori desperately tries to ignore the goose bumps that erupt on her skin the second his voice breaks into the conversation. She fumbles with her books to buy some time before she looks up to meet Beck's curious gaze along with Andre's who's sidled up next to him.

"Beach boys!" Cat exclaims sounding positively enthralled and her sweet voice echoes against the lockers. She catches sight of Andre, and immediately links her arm with his instead, leaving Tori to fly solo. "Can we have a beach party?"

She starts dragging him away towards homeroom, strawberry lips moving a mile a minute about boys and parties and sand and bonfires and "pretty puh-leaseee". Tori can see Andre beginning to shake his head -whether in amusement or disagreement- she can't tell. He's always been soft for his "Little Red" though. Tori can only imagine the beach party her fantasy will bring to reality.

"Beach boys, huh?" Her attention snaps back to Beck like a rubber band and it stings just as badly to see his pretty face. She takes in his raised eyebrow and decides to keep up the facade.

"Yup. My favorite kind."

"Oh really."

"Mmmhmmm."

He frowns as if this bothers him and he doesn't know what to say, so she fills up the silence for him.

"Where's Jade?" Oh lovely, scissor wielding Jade. Surely he'll have an answer for that one.

He shrugs noncommittally. "I met her in the janitor's closet a little bit ago, but she said she had to hunt down Sinjin for something." he replies coolly.

Ouch. Mention of make-out central aka the janitor's closet had not been completely necessary. Elicit things happen in that closet DAILY. It's payback for the beach boy comment, no doubt. Tori barely restrains the desire to roll her eyes, but her stomach clenches in disgust and disappointment.

She wants him. Damnit. Not fair. NOT FAIR.

"Oh. Well..." now its her turn for an awkward loss of words. "I've really got to get to homeroom so..." Their shoulders bump as she tries to get by him but she barely makes it three feet. He's so persistent, so damn persistent that he won't let it end like this. It's like nothing can just die; the memories, the guilt, the longing. She's constantly reminded of it all and it's all in the highs and lows that his presence brings.

"Tori..." He calls softly. She freezes midstep, and long eyelashes sweep the apples of her cheeks. The way he says her name... god, it's like heaven (she's never really appreciated it until now, actually. Boring tori-tori-tori. Blah. )

"Yes?"

There's a bit of a pause before he answers. "We haven't talked in a while. A longish while. "

Oh. So he'd noticed too. Is that good or bad? In the moment, she can't decide. It's honestly been little less than a week. But she knows that they shouldn't be talking. It's torturous to stay away, yes. She craves everything being with him makes her feel but they can't DO anything together. Not unless she wants him to continue creeping under her skin where he's basically already made himself at home. Not unless she wants more accidentally-on-purpose cheatings to happen. She won't allow him to stoop that low anymore; he's never been that kind of guy until now. And not unless she wants to continuously subject herself to heartbreak. It's a well-known fact that the other woman never ends up with the fairy tale endings. She's played that role before in a hot basement filled with drunk teenagers and now she's cursed herself forever.

She turns back to him, adjusting her textbooks for the millionth time. God, why are they so damn heavy?

"Yeah well. Maybe it should stay that way..." She can't help but laugh softly to herself at the awfulness of the situation they're in as his eyes begin to burn with confusion. "Maybe it hasn't been long enough. "

His expression flares up with anger and is that...disappointment? "How can you say that, Tori? I mean really. We're - we're friends. I honestly, HONESTLY don't get it. At all."

She shakes her head, and turns to resume her walk down the hallway. This conversation is pointless. This conversation is done. In her mind she knows the more in-depth answers to his question, but she calls back to him.

"No, of course you don't. You don't get it, Beck. You haven't forgotten about me yet."

If he tries to respond, she doesn't know. She doesn't even bother to hear. This time she walks away from him and makes it to homeroom uninterrupted.

.

_"You can't have your cake and eat it too."_

The stupid saying mocks Beck in the back of his mind as Tori carries her mountain of books in the other direction. Infuriation rears it's huge head and he rubs the back of his neck in frustration.

Forgotten about her yet? What does that mean? What the HELL.

He fails to understand why their conversations always go so shittily. It's like one of them is speaking different languages even though it's very obvious that they both speak English and COULD communicate well if they gave a little effort. Someone isn't trying and that someone is not him. It's like it hurts her to look at him; to even breathe the same air.

But why? They made some mistakes; mistakes they're both sorry for. Is it really that bad?

_You're retarded. Of course, it's that bad. You're selfish, and greedy and you want something you can't have. Maybe it's because you fucked things up last time. Maybe it's because you push too far. Maybe it's because she feels guilty. Shouldn't you feel guilty? Shouldn't YOU be the one that cuts everything off?_

He tells his conscience to go screw himself, shrugs his leather messenger bag up higher on his shoulder and begins to follow Tori's footsteps. It's so STUPID. They're in the same homeroom anyways; they could've walked there together.

But she wants nothing to do with you, remember? It hasn't been "long" enough. What the fuck. Aren't consciences supposed to shut up when they're told?

The small part of him that had been wounded by the statement is quickly overtaken by the part of him that's pissed. It's all bullshit and he knows it. Tori is a very good actress but then again, so is he and her act sucks ass. He's sick of this: sick of her dancing around him and sick of feeling like a shitty person in general. He's suffered through the shame of the situation just as much as she has; can't they just let it die?

There's nothing wrong with being friends...But even as the thought crosses his mind he knows that's his own version of bullshit.

Friends don't kiss, and he can still taste the blend of alcohol and lip-gloss from her mouth if he tries. When he tries. And friends don't re-live the kissing they shouldn't have been doing in the first place if they're just friends...which they are. Right?

Fuck.

Beck is a boy and he doesn't do all this girly longing and confusion crap. He's done reasoning everything it out like this; it's going to give him an ulcer and he's too young, with too good of hair to have aches like a grandpa.

Cat's words from a few nights ago make their way to the forefront of his mind."Don't make the wrong choice." Yet he can see now that any possible choice is the wrong one. If he leaves Tori alone he'll never figure her out -plus she wants him around and he knows it- and he'll deprive himself of that intoxicating vanilla that he's gotten so used to (the smell is finally start to disappear from his nostrils and he already know he's going to miss it). Not to mention the perpetual awkwardness that would be between them until the end of time. On the other hand, if he were to leave Jade for Tori, Jade would probably cut off his baby-maker and murder Tori with her bare hands. It's not even that easy...he loves Jade and that's a fact he cant deny. He'll miss her if she's gone. She trusts him...she loves him. Honestly he can't win and he's tired of trying. So fuck choices.

He's going to do what he always does - find his own way. If there's anything that he knows for sure it's that he's not going to just "forget" about it. There's a way to handle every situation and Tori will have to warm up to him eventually. He just can't let it go too far this time; he can't push the limits. He can't hurt her feelings; let her become second string. He'll have to control himself, and keep it platonic.

And he can't cheat on Jade.

He walks into homeroom two minutes after the bell and absorbs the glances from his classmates (Minus Tori. She refuses to look his direction. So damn stubborn) in stride.

He'll have his cake and eat it too. And he's going to enjoy the hell out it. All he needs is the right balance.

* * *

><p>talk to me  breathe electric

M.


	9. boyfriend

**boyfriend.**

* * *

><p>The next few days fly by for Tori. She pretends Beck doesn't exist which is relatively easy while she crams until she's practically brain dead with equations for a trigonometry test. Math sucks and it's definitely the opposite of her creative brain – although the structure is nice for her disordered one- and it takes a lot of concentration. After the test is over on Wednesday it's smooth sailing to the weekend.<p>

Beck's infuriating gazes at lunch haven't stopped however and it's kind of starting to piss her off. Just a little. Even after their sort-of-conversation it's like he's not making it any easier for her at all, and definitely not easier for himself. She can't understand why he's so desperate and what he's so desperate for that he won't let up. She misses the easy days of friendly conversation without the dirty little secrets looming in the background. But those days are gone now, and it's their entire fault so she has to deal with the consequences. It's pretty terrible but she wishes he would just go fucking blind or something. Anything that would stop the goose bumps, and the dumb eye contact.

Fact: She adores eye contact especially with him, but like most sweet things, it's unhealthy for her so she has to go without.

On Friday night she packs quietly in her room because Trina is definitely not invited. Her company is about as shitty as her singing and acting combined so she'd been left out of the beach party. So had Robbie. He'd apparently been busy with a doctor's appointment for "Rex" which translated to being too much of a wuss to ask his parents. That's fine for Tori; one last person she has to worry about finding out her problems or her latest boyfriend-kissing escapades. Saturday morning at 6:30 a.m. Andre's Jeep rolls to stop in front of her house, and she climbs out her window with a duffel bag, (She shouldn't even have window or house scaling skills, but blame Beck Oliver because he apparently likes to lure young females out of their houses at night) and climbs into the backseat next to Cat.

"We're home free, ladies." Andre smirks triumphantly in the rearview mirror, and Tori gives him a thumbs up.

"Hell yeah. Let's get out of here!" Cat cheers, and Tori rushes to slap a hand over her mouth.

" Shhh. Seriously, we really need to go before Trina wakes up."

"Crap." Andre jerks into drive and slams his foot on the gas. "In that case, we're already gone."

Once they're on the highway and her house is far from view, Tori leans back and exhales a sigh of relief. Andre turns up the radio and some bubbly idiotic tune comes on that Cat loves. Her red-velvet head bounces along to the beat, and she sings all the words perfectly on key at the top of her lungs. The feeling of the breeze whipping through Tori's waved hair is euphoric, and all of these elements combined form a calm weight in her stomach.

This is happiness. This is peace. This is innocence. This is the way it should be.

…..And then there's a long beep from behind them, and she almost has a heart attack.

"It's Becky and Jade!" Cat squeals excitedly, and she sticks her head out the window to wave at them. Tori doesn't even bother to look.

"Cat! Head in the car, please." Andre barks. His hands are planted firmly on the wheel of his Grandmother's car, and he's driving at the speed limit. "There are rules for this car, and someone isn't following them!"

"Sorry, sorry." Cat complies after a moment, and resumes bouncing along to the music. "I thought they were going to meet us at the house a little later?"

"They were," Andre shrugs braids bouncing. "I guess they weren't up all night after all."

Ew. The implied reason behind Beck and Jade's possible lateness makes Tori's insides turn. They'd said they would meet up with them at the beach house around noon, because as Jade had put it "they had plan to break a few headboards." Headboards. Really? And although Tori had been under the impression that only freakishly strong vampires did that when they "got it in", she was still disturbed. It was torturous to think about but at the same time it wasn't illegal. It wasn't even wrong.

Boyfriends and girlfriends are allowed to have sex.

She's not allowed to be bothered by it.

The end.

Tori wrinkles her nose, and then turns back to the window. She tries to get that euphoric feeling back, but it's not there anymore. It's gone. Justin Bieber's latest single "Boyfriend" comes on, and the bass fills up the entire car until she can feel it in her chattering teeth. It's catchy and apparently one of Cat's favorites because she starts dancing in her seat.

_If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go_

_Keep you on my arm, girl_

_You'd never be alone_

_And I could be your gentleman_

_Anything you want_

_If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go_

_Never let you go._

A familiar truck pulls up alongside them in the next lane, and Tori snorts so loudly that Cat gives her a look.

"Need a tissue?"

"Uh, no thanks Cat. I'm good. Allergies or something."

Cat turns away and Tori resolves to keep her eyes off the window but she's already seen too much. Jade's bedhead and Beck's stupid soft hair flying in the wind, as his speakers bump the same song and she sings along with a water bottle microphone is engrained in her head. They're happy. They're being couple-y. They're happy.

Even though that's the way it's supposed to be it still really fucking sucks. She remembers sitting in that passenger seat, even though it was the first and the last thing she'd wanted at the time.

_Boyfriends,_ she thinks. _Fuck 'em._

_._

Andre's aunt must be really freaking rich because a few hours later they pull up to the most modern beach house Tori's ever seen. It's all white, white, white and square everything with dark wood and the glass windows are gigantic. It's so pretty she almost feels bad about suggesting the party to Cat. If they have a party and one of those windows shatter it'll probably cost Andre's life to replace it. She doesn't stick with the group to marvel at it though because they had McDonald's on the way there and Cat had literally forced a large fry down her throat. Andre unlocks the front door and she bolts for the bathroom with the excuse of having to "pee like a racehorse," and doesn't look back.

She finds a set of stairs and takes the steps two at a time with her duffel on her back. Ugh, it feels like she's eaten an entire brick. It's impossible but she feels fifty times heavier then she had when they were just starting on the road. After flinging open a few bedroom doors she finally gets to the bathroom. Locking the door, her fingers are down her throat before she's even over the toilet bowl.

Almost everything comes up.

It's such a nasty taste the second time that she vows to never ever disgrace her body with Mickey D's again. She gags a few more times before resting her forehead on the toilet bowl and staring down at her knees. Two days. Two days of this. She can pretend she isn't hungry or get up early for a run and say she'd eaten. No one will find out her secret yet. Just a few more pounds. No one has to know.

She carefully flushes the toilet and washes her hands, refusing to meet her own gaze in the mirror, before exiting the bathroom to find her friends. Cat is already bounding up the stairs to meet her.

"Tor Tor! Andre said there should be four bedrooms so we each get our own. Except for Beck and Jade of course."

Tori tries her hardest not to frown, and rolls her eyes instead. "Okay, well I'll just wait until they pick theirs. I'd prefer not to sleep where they're banging each other's brains out next door."

"I'm sure Beck won't do that." Cat says, shaking her head. She grabs a doorknob and peaks into a room and Tori's eyebrows go skyward.

"Why not?"

Cat shrugs. "Oh. I'm sure he's tired or …something."

"Okay…" It's incomprehensible to Tori that Beck would ever be too tired (seeing as he's a teenager and of the male persuasion) to have sex. But Cat is Cat so she doesn't argue. "Well I'll take the room next to whatever one you choose, I guess."

In the end Cat chooses the room at the farthest of the house, facing the beach. It's completely gorgeous with deep brown dressers and a canopy bed draped with white silk curtains. Each room has white carpeting and her comforter and pillows are white with vibrant aquamarine trim. Tori's room is exactly the same, allowing a perfect view of the ocean. It's so breathtaking and everything is so clean and unlived in that Tori's willing to bet Andre's aunt has hardly been here at all.

She shrugs her duffel to the floor and flops onto her bed, shoving her nose into one of the pillows. Cat's voice is audible as she converses in the hall with the rest of their friends and for a moment Tori feels a surge of jealousy. Cat has always been so…loud. So exuberant even in her anger or her confusion. She's petite, thin, and extremely talented. Everything that Tori longs to be minus the disorder and the inability to have the guy she wants.

Maybe she should try to be more …Cat-like. She is after all one of her best friends. Eventually best friends become exactly like each other, right? Tori snorts into the pillow. Hopefully minus the craziness.

"Hey popstar. No sleeping." Jade's voice pierces the quiet of her room milliseconds before a throw pillow collides with the back of Tori's head.

"Ow." She rubs the back of her head and sits up, squinting. "What do you want, Jade? I was trying to relax."

"Too bad." The auburn haired girl saunters into the room with a wickedly satisfied smile on her face, and props a foot on Tori's duffle bag. "Get your ass up. We're going into town to buy food and meet people, and sadly "we" includes you."

Tori wrinkles her nose. "I thought Andre packed food. Why do we need more?"

"Because unlike you, we eat." The girl smirks, before using her foot to kick Tori's bag in her direction, and turning to leave. "Put on something pretty, popstar. And fix that bedhead."

Tori glares daggers at her back before muttering, "I will if you will. Someone was busy last night."

Jade's rather amused voice calls through the door way without shame. "Oh yes. I was."

Tori climbs from the bed and slams the door behind her before flopping down to rummage in her bag for something nice. Insufferable bitch. She would look good tonight. Even if she didn't feel it, she would look good.

Better than good.

.

"So I was thinking marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate, obviously." Andre says as they walk through a small supermarket in town. South Point is really just a beach town, with a sweet little boardwalk and lots of cute stores and bars. It's nice and so far they've seen a lot of people their age and invited them to a "fun get together" later that night. Tori hasn't seen any particular boys worth ogling but they've met a few groups of people who'd promised to bring friends. Even so she's glad she's worn her strapless red sundress and half-pinned back her hair. She feels almost pretty in the afternoon sun.

"Of course. We've got to have s'mores." Beck's voice both irks her and satisfies her as he chimes in. "We can build a fire with some dry beach wood. You said your aunt has a grill right?"

"Yeah. We might need propane though. I'll ask if they carry it up at the register when we get there."

"How about twizzlers?" Cat says, waving a pack in the air. "For Cat? Because she's fun?" She giggles and Andre sighs.

"Okay, but that' s it! No more candy, Red."

"Kay kay."

Tori smirks in amusement at Andre's lack of backbone, and then grabs her friends shoulders to steer her away from the candy display. "Come on, Cat. Maybe you could find us some bananas for breakfast in the morning?"

"I can do that!" Cat says and she skips away in the direction of the fruit. Andre nods his thanks in Tori's direction and she lifts her chin in response. No problem.

"We're gonna go look for some more hot dogs." Beck says, and Tori looks to where him and Jade are attached by the hand. Jade's biting her bottom lip mischievously but Tori can't figure out why. She feels Beck's gaze begin to burn into her skull and turns sharply away. Stop looking at me, damnit.

"Okay but hey, make sure you get some turkey dogs. The normal kind aren't good for my digestive system." Andre says. He looks conflicted for a moment, and then shakes his head. "You know what, I better come too."

"Oh. What fun. Let's make it a field-trip." Jade drawls sarcastically, and then Tori can figure it out. They'd been hoping to escape. To make out. Or possibly screw each other's brains out in the empty frozen aisle. Ew. How gross….and cold. Andre doesn't seem to register this fact however because he chargers determinedly ahead, brushing past them in search of his turkey dogs.

"You know what. I bet they don't carry them! I swear if I can't find them I'm gonna be pissed!"

Jade and Beck have nothing to do but follow behind him and Jade yanks her hand out of his in a rage, muttering something about digestive fuckery. Tori turns to go in the opposite direction but not before looking up and meeting Beck's eyes. Surprisingly he looks….smug. Like there's something he knows that she doesn't. It makes her stomach turn in both a pleasant and unpleasant way and Tori makes a break for the baked goods. No more eye contact, no more eye contact.

Once there she feels even more uncomfortable. There are loaves upon loaves of baked breads and cakes and cookies galore. It's like her own personal temptation and she can't help the way her mouth waters when she catches a glimpse of a chocolate chip muffin. fuck. NOT. GOOD. She bites her lip and makes love to that muffin with her eyes before spinning on her heel to find another aisle. She has five bucks in her bra, enough to buy one of them.

She will not give in.

Unfortunately her flight is unsuccessful because she doesn't make it three feet before she collides with a body, and goes crashing to the floor. The other person grunts in surprise and Tori squeezes her eyes shut before her body makes impact with the linoleum and her elbow smashes into the floor.

OH. HELL.

The pain is pounding and also really fucking bad and she lays there on the floor, clutching her elbow and trying to suck back tears. She prays it's not broken because that would be awful and absolutely embarrassing.

"Shit, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Holy fuck." A male voice curses above her and she hears the heavy sound of something dropping to the floor. Suddenly hands are on her shoulders, lifting her into a sitting position. Tori is still counting backwards from 20 and trying not to sob.

"I'm so, so sorry. Did you hit your head? Can you hear me?" the male voice repeats. She takes a deep breath before opening her eyes, and then struggles for another. The face she stares into is so freaking beautiful she almost goes into shock. Combined with the pain her mouth fails to form coherent words.

"Uggg, I…uh."

"I'm sorry." The boy says, and he reaches for her elbow where she's holding it. "Let me see if it's broken." Numbly she allows for this stranger's fingers to probe her elbow. It's still kind of throbbing but not as badly as before, and after a moment he settles her arm down into her lap. "Just bruised, I think. But I'm sorry, I feel so terrible." He look down, almost shyly, and Tori regains her ability to speak.

"It's-It's fine. A little sore, but I deserved it, I was-"

"Trying to escape from the chocolate chip muffins?" He finishes, and her mouth gapes in shock. He shakes his head at her expression and laughs, vibrant green eyes twinkling. "They're actually really good. I should know…I bake them. But I try to stay away myself. Bad for my figure."

Now that he's mentioned it, Tori can see that he's wearing an employee's shirt with a name tag that says "Hi, I'm Aaron. Ask me stuff." She finally shuts her mouth, and swallows. "That's what I was thinking."

He straightens up and offers her hand off the floor. She takes it and being upright so suddenly makes her vision go wonky. Aaron grabs hold of her other elbow and mumbles "careful there," as she stumbles to the side. He's tall enough that his mouth is level with her ear and Tori has to fight the urge to shiver that races up her spine.

"This is kind of embarrassing, " she says, and straightens out her dress. "I should've watched where I was…fleeing."

"I guess we're both guilty. I was carrying one too many boxes. I couldn't actually see over them but I was feeling lazy." He turns and points a huge stack of cardboard boxes – no doubt the heavy sound Tori had heard in her cloud of agony. "Didn't want to make a second trip."

Tori can't help but smirk. "So you bake the muffins and you carry boxes?"

Aaron shrugs and the tiniest hint of a blush graces his tanned cheeks. A hand goes up to rub the back of his neck and Tori is reminded of a certain boy with the same bad habit. This boy is different though, his dirty blonde hair is sunstreaked and his eyes are laughing – not brooding.

"I kind of do everything here. This is the only market in town and my Dad owns it. Call me a jack-of-all-trades." He rolls his eyes. "And apparently an expert of making an ass of myself and pushing pretty Hollywood girls to the floor."

Tori inhales sharply, and hand goes up to tug on one of her curls. How could he have known? "What do you mean?"

"You're gorgeous. " Aaron says. "The dress, the hair. I've only been there once or twice but I know a Hollywood girl when I see one. I bet you've got some special talent don't you?"

Tori's eyes narrow. "We're not all the same, you know." She can't help but feel like he's being condescending. Even though it's flattering to be identified as someone from the land of the famous, it's positively ridiculous to assume she's just like all the other wannabes. Especially considering the land of the famous could also be the land of the idiotic, wannabe, talentless whores. Maybe she's not totally certain she's good enough for fame, but she's definitely not like all the rest, or any of them.

Aaron smiles. "I know. You didn't threaten to sue me or dismember me with a high heel. You actually felt guilty for something that could've easily been avoided if I had been watching where I was going. You're Hollywood, but you're definitely different. And that makes you special."

His words smooth over her previous anger and now Tori really blushes. "Ha. How many times have you used that on some innocent girl?" she says with a teasing roll of her eyes.

"Not once actually. Does it work?" She can't help the small stirring of butterflies as Aaron smirks down at her. He isn't what she's used to, but….she could like this. She opens her mouth to reply but Andre's voice cuts her off.

"Hey Tori, we're leaving!" Her head snaps to where he's waving at her carrying two packs of turkey dogs under one arm. Cat and Jade follow behind, linked by the arm and holding a bunch of ripe bananas. She doesn't miss Beck's curious gaze as he catches sight of them – the two of them. Tori and another boy.

"I'll be right there!" She calls back. Her gaze returns to Aaron who shrugs, maybe a bit sadly, and turns to pick up his boxes.

"Do you uhm…Do you want to come to a party tonight?" She says. He stops and his brilliant white smile has her grinning back. There's a little brown freckle on his jaw that moves when his dimples deepen.

"Sure. Maybe I can convince the old man to let me off my leash, " He says. "Where at?"

"Crescent Beach. You'll see us. We're gonna have a big bonfire going. Lots of food and drinks. S'mores too, if you like those. " she hopes it sounds convincing because almost at once she finds herself wanting to see him again.

"I'd like that, Tori." Aaron says softly. She bites her lip and takes this as her clue to leave, shyly tugging at a curl. She spins on her heel, and calls back:

"See you later then, Aaron."

"See you later, Hollywood."

She nearly skips all the way to where her friends are cashing out. Something about him….something about him is good. Clean. Fresh. She likes the way his name rolls off her tongue and doesn't hurt her to think about. Aaron is a perfect, green-eyed distraction.

"Who's that, Tori-babe?" Cat grins at her as soon as she reaches them and leans in close. There are inside jokes in her eyes and she mouths "beach boy?" It's all Tori can do to roll her eyes and NOT dissolve into pathetic giggles of joy.

"Just a friend Cat." She sighs and rubs her arms, "We bonded over muffins."

Her eyes catch sight of Aaron's sun-streaked head in the security mirrors on the ceiling. It's all distorted but it sends another rush of something exciting through her stomach. And then she sees Beck, whose gaze is on her and not on his girlfriend. He's looking so intently it's like he's trying to figure out the past fifteen minutes by just staring into the back of her head. So stupid.

Let him look. Let him. She's got better things to worry about at the moment.

"Just a friend….. for now."

* * *

><p>boyfriend by the biebs.<p>

i'm soooooo excited because i finished the whole entire plot n like i know what i want to do with this story again so woooooooooo. it'll have probably about 25 chapters. ahhh so happy.

M.


	10. everything's meant to be broken

**everything's meant to be broken**

* * *

><p>She stares out the car window and daydreams about Aaron all the way home to Andre's aunt's house. There's something about his green eyes – maybe it's the innocence in them, like he's almost pure – and it's refreshing. It's weird but his words about being different, being <em>special,<em> stay in her mind and she honestly doesn't think about Beck more then twice the entire ride.

They get home and with a couple hours left till sunset, (which is the official kick-off time of the party), Tori decides to take a swimming break. She feels elated now, almost weightless and shutting off the little voice in her head that mocks her bikini body is easier than usual. She slips into a red bandeau and matching bottoms and wraps herself in her towel, ducking out of her room and hoping to avoid any of the group.

She's not so lucky.

"Going swimming?" he asks, and she curses in her head. His voice sets off a few goose bumps but they're hidden by the towel. Thank the Lord. The last thing he needs is to see his affect on her.

"Just a dip." She replies. Cat's laugh echoes into the hallway from the room he's sharing with Jade. She'd attempted to drag Tori and Jade into a mini fashion show for the boys in order to decide on outfits for the party, but Tori had to declined. She's already quite sure of what she wanted to wear and it's going to be a surprise.

He stares at her for awhile, unspeaking and refusing to look anywhere but her face. She wants to cower away from it; to tell him to take his infuriatingly perceptive gazes elsewhere but instead she stares back emotionlessly. It's like he's searching for something in her face that will explain the whole grocery store boy, but he must come up short. Eventually he looks away, over her shoulder to the doorway where Cat is still giggling. Where his girlfriend is waiting for him to come back from the bathroom so she can show off her new, scandalously short dress.

"Well," he says, and she is startled at the eerily cheerful smile that stretches across his face. "Have fun then. Watch out for sharks."

She doesn't wait more than two seconds after he has brushed past her to bolt down the stairs. That was weird. More than weird. His smiles are so few compared to the amount of smirks he produces daily that she knows it was false. But she won't let herself dwell on the possibilities why.

.

Who was that guy?

He doesn't turn to watch her flee down the stairs but her footsteps are loud enough. There's something about that whole situation; the way Tori's face had been scrunched up and flushed in that undeniably cute way when she'd caught up with them again in the store that really, really bothers him. And then now…there had been something different about her eyes, even though he could tell she was itching to get out of there. Beck's a hundred percent straight but the guy she'd been conversing with was alright by his standards.

He just can't figure out why the guy so thoroughly annoys him. And maybe it's not even the guy…it's just the effect that he's had on Tori. Either way, he guesses that it doesn't really matter. In two days they'll be back home and what's-his-name will go back to being irrelevant. Which is why he'd given Tori one of those creepy smiles in the first place…he won't allow himself to be…flustered… over nothing.

Because he's obviously not jealous. Friends don't get jealous. Just…annoyed.

Beck slips in through the door and into the room he's sharing with Jade. Andre's fiddling with his cellphone while the girls have disappeared into the bathroom to change. Watching them prance around in their party outfits is not exactly the afternoon he has in mind, but there's no way he can manage to go swimming with Tori. He'd much rather get into the ocean but there's no way he can get out of this; Jade's been hooked on him all day. Sex hadn't been the wisest choice last night but she'd looked so sexy and it had been awhile. He was paying for it now though. She's always the clingiest afterwards.

"Where's Tori, dude?" Andre asks as he sinks onto the bed beside him.

"Swimming." He says in response, and runs a hand through his hair. "I told her to watch out for sharks."

"Probably not the best idea for her to go out alone. Maybe I should catch up to her?" Beck doesn't miss the hopeful tone in his voice.

"Hell no, man. She'll be fine. If I have to suffer through this, so do you."

Andre huffs and goes back to playing Temple Run, muttering about women and their complicated fashion needs. Beck can feel his pain though. This could take hours, and they have three until sunset. That's a long time. For a moment he ponders the possibility of there actually being sharks out in the shallows where Tori will be swimming but he pushes the thought to the back of his mind. His paranoia has a shitty habit of popping up at the worst times.

"Okay boys," Jade's sultry voice calls from behind the closed bathroom door. "Are you ready for outfit number one? Because I don't think you're ready."

"Ready." Andre mutters drily, and the door bursts open. Beck can't help the way his jaw drops. His girlfriend stalks haughtily through the doorway wearing a leopard print bustier and high-waisted black shorts. A thick line of her pale skin glows between the shorts and top that hoists her breasts sky-high. If she wasn't already his he would probably think she was scandalously dressed but she is and it's so good. His mouth waters.

"I like that one." He chokes out, and Jade smirks. She knows her man.

"You know, I figured you would."

Beck blinks. "Definitely."

Andre shrugs besides him and then nods appreciatively. "Not bad."

Cat appears behind her, wearing a skin-tight, light pink body-con bandage dress with a cut out back. Beck brings himself out of his stupor enough to admire her too. She's such a cute girl, with her red velvet hair pulled up into a messy bun. Her tiny little body looks perfect in the dress and the see-through material adds just enough edge. She smiles proudly and places her hands on her hips.

"Ya like?"

"Very nice, Red." Andre applauds. "I approve."

"It's stunning, Cat." Beck agrees and the girl claps happily.

"Knew it! We have a few more options. Come on Jade." His girlfriend winks at him before disappearing once more behind the bathroom door and he watches her go, licking his lips. Sexy. Undeniably sexy. But….

Something red flashes in the corner of his eye, and he turns sharply to the window. An olive-skinned body makes its way to the surf, holding a beach towel behind them. They glance around before letting go and leaving the towel to flutter to the sand. Long brown curls blow and the simple red material of the bikini holds nothing to the imagination. His breath catches, and he jerks his eyes sharply away. Tori.

Andre doesn't take notice of his odd reaction and Beck lets his gaze slide over to the window again. Her toes are in the water now; arms wrapped around her chest. Even from here he can see the way she looks side to side, before taking another step into the waves. His throat is dry all of the sudden and he swallows hard.

He's never seen this much of her. His vision is perfect and from here her long legs are in clear view, along with the curves of her hips and the tan arch of her back. Jade's seductive outfit becomes the last thing on his mind. What is with him? What is it about this girl that makes him forget everything else?

Cat's enthusiastic call from behind the door shakes him back and he turns away from the window. He can't look there again, or he'll never look away. Andre sets down his phone with a sigh. The door bursts open once more and Jade flounces out in something blue and ruffled, but the details are blurred. And somehow it doesn't really matter what she wears anymore.

Jade will always be sexy, no matter what she's wearing.

Just like Tori will always be beautiful.

.

Two hours later, Tori has resurfaced from her ocean romp feeling refreshed and positive. Beck's eerie smile is the last thing on her mind, along with said dark-haired boy. The rest of the group are off getting ready in their respective rooms and it's almost party time. Through the bathroom doorway she can see the last pinkish orange hues of sunset and she takes one last look at herself in the never-ending mirror.

Not too bad, Tori.

She's left her hair wavy, but twisted a few pieces and pinned them away from her face for a more Grecian look. Her make up is mostly non-existent aside for some sparkly peach eye shadow and some mascara to enhance her lashes. She bites her lips to make them a bit more red because she hates the way lip-gloss tends to gather at the corner of her mouth. Not cute.

As far as her dress goes it's a simple salmon-colored high to low with a braided belt at her waist. Her sandals are gold, along with her feather-shaped earrings and the identical necklace. She'd hoped to capture the whole beachy look without seeming like she was trying too hard. Now her eyes follow the soft-as-silk fabric as it falls along the curves of her body and she doesn't feel terribly unattractive for once. It really doesn't look bad at all.

The weightlessness she'd felt earlier that morning in Andre's car returns along with a few butterflies. Maybe twenty minutes more and the entire downstairs of the beach house will be flooded with people, milling in and out and dancing around the bonfire down at the beach. One of those people would – hopefully- be Aaron. He's not Beck but he's definitely something.

Excitement bubbles in her stomach and she blows herself a kiss in the mirror. She feels almost like her old self; the person she was before the inside of her mind became her worst enemy, and it feels…nice. The emptiness in her stomach is even better. No food, a few more pounds, no problem. She's good enough for now. Time to go downstairs and wait with her friends.

Here goes nothing.

.

His mouth is horribly dry. Someone has sucked all the life out of his tongue and replaced all of his saliva with sand. His breath is choked up in his throat. He can't even swallow.

She is so beautiful.

Beck looks up from his spot on Andre's aunt's spotless white sofa only to watch his weakness descend the stairs looking like a glowing, sun-browned goddess. His grip on one of the decorative pillows tightens before he can restrain himself, and he fights to keep his jaw from dropping.

Does she even know how abso-fucking-lutely gorgeous she looks?

Beck realizes that this is the first time she's really dressed up in a long time. She'd taken to sweatshirts, jeans and baggy sweaters and still managed to look adorable at school. But this…this is different. The red dress she'd worn earlier had definitely been new but this one was…well. Perfect.

Despite all of his carefully measured control he can't help but meet her eyes. They're even more deep and brown and filled with something brighter then he's found in them in a long, long time. And that's when Beck begins to figure it out. This dress isn't just for some beach party. It probably isn't even meant to torture him, although it will most certainly make his life miserable. It's for someone.

Someone else.

The kid from the store early pops up in his mind, and his jaw automatically locks. No way. Tori can't be thinking of trying to impress him. She can't possibly be putting all of this on for some kid she'll probably never see after this weekend. Almost as quickly as Beck decides that Tori looks like a goddess, he decides that he wants her out of it. She can't look that good. Not for some random. (And he is in no way jealous. NOT. fucking. jealous.)

His girlfriend enters the room with Cat, holding a drink that looks suspiciously alcoholic in nature, and comes to sit on the arm of the sofa beside him. She gives Tori a once-over and cocks her auburn head to the side before drawling "Not bad, popstar. I like your necklace."

Beck spots the golden feather nestled in Tori's cleavage that he hadn't bothered to look at before. He resists the urge to gulp. Not bad? No. Really, really deliciously bad.

You are the devil, Beck Oliver. Your own girlfriend is gorgeous too you know. FOCUS.

Tori, who's come to stand beside Andre, hides her surprise well with a confident half-smile. "Thank you, Jade."

"Don't mention it," Jade mutters. "Ever." She leans back into Beck's shoulder and offers him her amber colored beverage. "Want a sip?" The aroma is distinctly whiskey and he shakes his head. She was always one for hard liquor, but he thinks that right now is perhaps not the best time for him to lose awareness. Not with the traitorous cheater-boyfriend thoughts left over in his mind. The ones that were only supposed to be friendly thoughts.

He is so not good at this balance bullshit.

Beck forces himself to clear the Tori-filled thoughts from his love-struck brain and wraps an arm around Jade's waist. Jade is safe territory. Jade is the right thing. She doesn't smell like vanilla however. He sniffs once, twice and nearly groans. The freshly sprayed, distinctly-Tori fragrance has begun to waft in his direction. He hasn't smelled it this strong since that night in the basement. God must really have it out for him.

"It's almost tiiiimmmmeee." Cat sings, and she dances from her spot to go peek through one of the front windows. "Do you think everyone will come from the front or from the beach?"

"Who cares," Andre shrugs. "Just as long as they don't destroy this house and don't eat all my turkey dogs."

"Like anyone really likes those," Tori snorts and crosses her arms. "I'm pretty sure you're the only turkey dog fan around."

"How can you diss my dogs? You've never even had one!"

"Actually-"

"Are you guys really going to get into a heated debate about it?" Beck speaks up, and Andre raises his hands in the air.

"Hey dude, I'm just saying you can't hate if you haven't ate."

"Yeah yeah," Tori says but she looks amused, a grin pulling at the corner's of her mouth.

"Someone's here!" Cat calls down the hall. "They drove a mustang, oooh. Oh he's cute. Beach boys, Tori!"

"Oh yeah?" Tori uncrosses her arms and follows Cat's voice down the hallway. He watches her go with a not so subtle rolling feeling in his stomach. What's so great about beach boys anyways? The thought of grocery-store-boy running up from the ocean with a surfboard to a widely smiling, gorgeous dress-wearing Tori makes him nauseous.

Stupid.

The door bell rings and the sound of the front door opening prompts the rest of them to stand. Jade sets her empty glass down on the side table and slips her cold hand into his, interlacing their fingers. Her familiar smile is so wicked that he manages a grin, and the disgust from his previous thoughts fades.

"I have a feeling this is going to be a very good night." Her lips whisper against his ear before she presses her lips to his cheek.

He hopes she's right.

.

2 Hours Later

Tori snags a cup full of coke and rum and downs it, feeling her last reservations about drinking slip away. Who cares if it's like a bazillion and one calories. Really, who freaking cares. She'll probably throw it up anyways.

Her toes dig into the sand as she pads her way over to the mob of dancing teenage bodies, all gyrating to the beat of some song she can't really focus on at the moment. She's had a few drinks. Maybe like three, or five, or something. But it's not a big deal.

No. The big deal is that Aaron is not here.

NOT. HERE.

She's been all over the beach, inside the house and along the pathway. He's not here. He's not coming. So she sets her empty cup down in the sand and throws herself into the middle of the bodies, emitting a high-pitched squeal of drunken resignation.

Fuck it. Fuck it allllllllll.

"Toriiiiiiiii!" A familiar voice shrieks near her ear and she feels tiny hands clamp around her waist. It's Cat, who is probably half as smashed as she is, but totally drunk on the music and probably the brunette hottie trailing behind her. "I found a beach boy, I think I'm in loooveeeee."

Tori rights herself enough to take her friends cheeks between her palms and look her dead in the eyes. "I'm so happy for you, Kitty Cat. So happy."

Cat giggles and sways, her red hair glinting in the light from the bonfire. "I love you, Tori." She turns and grips the collar of the boy, who is actually pretty hott and wraps her arms around his neck. He's smitten with her, just like every guy Caterina Valentine manages to lure into her trap. "I love you too, Max. Dance with me! Dance with us!"

Max apparently has no problem with this and neither does Tori. Soon the three of them are all smushed together by the crowd, and Tori is sharing a boy with her best friend quite happily. Aaron who? Fucking who? There are so many people here, more than expected from a lazy beach town but apparently this party is what they'd been waiting for. Nearly everyone has let loose, so why shouldn't she?

The song changes and another one begins and Tori closes her eyes. She wants another drink but Max has one hand on her hip and one hand on Cat's so she stays put and lets her head fall back to his shoulder. He's nice, she thinks, really nice. Maybe Cat and him will get married or something.

"Tori!" A deep, familiar and annoying voice penetrates her happiness and her eyes wrench open. Not fucking Beck. NO. But he is already in front of her, and Cat is muttering into Max's ear about getting something "upstairs" and suddenly she is alone.

What the fuck.

"Go away," she attempts to sound firm but he grabs her wrist and her body is no longer hers anymore anyways. She stumbles into him and his arm is around her back now. Just like in the basement.

"No," he growls. "What the hell were you doing?"

"Dancing?" she says and then laughs. Oh this is funny. Is he mad or something? She was sharing Max, not a big deal at all.

"Yeah with that weirdo and Cat!"

"Shut up!" Tori explodes and her hands are shoving him away from her. "Where the fuck is Jade? Why don't you go watch who she dances with. Excuse me, I'm going to go find Aaron."

"That douche from the grocery store? I haven't seen him." Beck says and she looks up at him. Really looks into his stupid, expressive, worried, frustrated brown eyes. He's not drunk. Not at all she realizes, he's being totally serious right now.

"He's not a douche." She says finally. Someone slams into the back of her and Beck catches her again. She shrugs him off and wipes some hair from her face. "He's just not here. He's busy or something. Where's Jade?"

"He didn't come?" His voice has a dangerous edge to it, like this fact has really offended him. Tori shakes her head and rolls her eyes. It bothers her a lot actually, that Aaron hasn't showed but she'll be damned before she lets that fact show. She needs another drink, like now.

"No. He didn't come." She emphasizes every letter. "He didn't come and you haven't answered my question. You must not know! Why don't you go find her? BYE."

"Stop."

She tries to shove past him, but he's too quick, hand wrapping quickly around her wrist once more. He yanks her back to him and then her body his pressed against is. She can smell his spicy cologne and everything comes crashing back into her mind. Her stupid feelings; the ones Aaron had been the perfect antidote for, are still fucking there. They're back and a thousand times stronger. His hands slide up her stomach and his mouth is near her ear.

This. This is euphoria.

"Jade is passed out." He growls. "Stop being a bitch, and dance with me."

She wants to refuse. She really does. But in the end there is never really a choice. A new song starts up again, something with a really deep bass and Tori is gone. She folds to him helplessly, and he is all around her like a drug. Guilt. Shame. All of it is there in the back of her mind, screaming that this is wrong but she can't think. She can't register anything but him and the wretched sense of déjà vu.

His hands are on her thighs, on her hips, on her arms. She arches against him, and lets the beat be her guide, submitting to the grind and the alcohol in her blood stream. His lips are on her shoulder, on her neck and in her ear.

"Aaron is a fucking idiot." He groans and Tori is so thankful for him that she almost cries. She can't escape this. She will never be free of him.

Just like anorexia, Beck is her disease.

.

This is a really, really stupid thing he's doing right now. Beck inhales pure vanilla and drowns. So, so stupid. But he really can't help it, he really, really can't. It had been one thing to see Tori smashed out of her mind and being felt up by some tool that had been trailing Cat all evening. But it was another to know that her stupid little boyfriend hadn't shown.

He could tell she was disappointed. He could hear it in the slur of her words and her frustration. Especially in the snarl as she shoved him away time after time, and kept asking where Jade was. Like Jade really fucking mattered at this point. His girlfriend had been passed out for a good fifteen minutes when he'd decided to find Tori, and she'll probably stay that way for the rest of the night. Now all he can focus on is the material beneath his fingers; how little of it there really is and how her tanned body is underneath.

This is not friendly. This is not balance. They are breaking boundaries and crossing lines again and it's just like last time except a thousand times more his fault.

It's just not fair, he reasons. Not fair for such an astoundingly perfect girl to go to waste like this. It's not right for her to be disappointed. And no matter how wrong this is, it's not right for him to not be touching her at this very moment. It's going against everything he told himself he wouldn't do and be, but how can something so awful feel this good?

He'd made the decision to dance with her in a split second. It came after her eyes betrayed her true thoughts about that moron who'd left her hanging. She could be downing vodka like a champ to numb the pain but instead he wants to bring her to life again. The Tori he knows burns like fire beneath his hands. He wants her to be happy and if that's what it takes, she can have all of him.

The song changes over and over but she remains the same. Eventually it's a slower one, and Andre's mix of party songs must have included a few slow songs. Couples form and others stumble from the dance floor in search of another drink. How late is it? One? Is it even past 12? Beck closes his eyes relishes in how familiar this seems. How her waist feels exactly as he has remembered, as she turns to face him. Fingers pull at the hair on the back of his neck and her forehead falls to his shoulder. He's always liked this song.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_

_Cause I know you can feel me somehow_

_You're the closest to heaven_

_I'll ever be_

_And I don't wanna go home right now_

She looks up at him, eyes half-lidded and smudged with mascara. He has to smile and it's not even the least bit forced because this is such a ridiculous situation and they're both so fucked up. Her lips move but he doesn't register what she's saying so he leans in to hear.

"This is almost like last time, isn't it? It's the same." Beck sighs because the memory will forever be ingrained in his mind and she is right. Well..almost.

"Yeah." he whispers and she shivers. "Except for one thing."

Her unsteady gaze flickers from his eyes to his lips and he can tell she's still drunk but not enough to make the first move. This is all him. Just like last time, this is a decision he has to make and he holds responsibility for the both of them. And just like last time he really, really can't help himself. Her mouth tilts up toward his as he ducks down to meet her, hands rising to her cheeks. But before her eyes can fully flutter shut; before he can kiss her, she freezes. So does he.

"Aaron?" she gasps and his stomach drops. What the actual fuck? His arms drop but she is already pushing out of them, stumbling towards a gap in the teenage bodies where he catches a glimpse of that stupid, irrelevant boy turning to leave.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_Cause I don't think that they'd understand._

_When everything's meant to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am._

And suddenly he is very, very alone.

* * *

><p>iris - the googoo dolls<p>

ooh yeah i love this chapter

M.


	11. i could show you incredible things

**i could show you incredible things**

* * *

><p>It takes everything inside her to stumble away from him towards the boy she thinks she's seen pass through the crowd. Tori thanks the good Lord for the moment she'd caught a glimpse of him. She prays the eyes of the boy she'd seen really belong to Aaron and forces herself from making another mistake; the same mistake again. Her mind is still a jumble of thoughts but one thing she knows for sure.<p>

She almost kissed Beck. **Again.**

That and she's starting to sober.

Ugh so stupid. So, so stupid. What had she been thinking? She finally makes it to the edge of the crowd of people and glances left and right. There's a sun-streaked head bobbing their way up the beach towards the house and she makes a break for it. It's funny how five minutes ago she'd damned all possibilities of seeing Aaron again to hell for a slow dance with Beck Oliver. Now, he is the very thing she needs.

An antidote. A distraction. Something. Anything.

_Anything that will keep her from stumbling back to the brown haired boy standing frozen in the middle of a sandy, makeshift dance floor._

"Jeezus," she mutters, tripping over a beer can and almost kissing the ground. Why is he moving so damn fast? Forcing herself to move quicker, she weaves through the teenagers milling from the house to the beach until he is right within her grasp. It's a bit of a stretch but she reaches out and grabs hold of his teal v-neck shirt…right before she trips over yet another bottle.

"Woah!" Tori clamps her eyes shut and prepares to eat dirt but there are arms around her again. A different pair, but still familiar. Her eyes open and it's him…it's Aaron. He's looking very confused, a little…frustrated? But more than a little concerned. He straightens her up, mouth moving before her brain can conjure up something sensible to say.

"Hollywood." She smiles sheepishly, feeling extremely foolish.

"That's me."

He gets straight to the point. "I saw you with that guy and it looked serious. Why aren't you still with him?"

She is shocked by his honest, blunt statement. It's different. He doesn't beat around the bush. His jade green eyes are curious, and she thinks he deserves a solid, truthful answer.

"Because he's not mine to be with." She swallows heavily, looking down before meeting his gaze again. "And I saw you. You quite possibly saved me from making another really, really dumb mistake."

His answering silence is disappointing. For the umpteenth time Tori cannot help the nausea that surges through her; the shame and the guilt she'd registered before finally pushing themselves to the forefront of her mind. How can a little alcohol screw her control up this bad? How can she do this to herself; to Jade over and over again? Beck's presence literally intoxicates her to the point where she loses all self control. She licks her lips and begins to back away but Aaron speaks before she can flee.

"Do you want to talk about it?" The confusion has cleared from his eyes and now he just looks…interested.

What? Tori blinks, shaking her head. "No. No, he's just. He's….I need to forget him. I need to forget."

He seems to digest this and then offers her a hand. She glances down at it, a little stupefied that he hasn't called her a whore or something and left. He gestures for her to take it though, and his expression is adamant. Tori hesitates before placing her palm in his and letting him replace the space between her fingers with his own. Suddenly he's grinning quite mischievously and goose bumps are rippling up her spine at the one crooked eye-tooth and the twinkle in his eye.

"I think I can help you do that."

.

"Strawberries." Tori declares fist pumping the air. "The best fruit, EVER." She is lying in the middle of aisle 13B surrounded by plastic wrapped oreo cartons and boxes of goldfish. Her limp curls are splayed around her head like a halo. She doesn't mention that she hasn't actually digested a strawberry in about eight months.

"Fine. I'll give you that one," Aaron replies. He's slightly to her left and tosses a piece of unsalted popcorn over to her and it bounces off her forehead. She picks it up and she pops it in her mouth without a second thought. No over-thinking, just…doing.

"Alright. Favorite….movie."

"Pirates of the Caribbean, solely due to the fact that Orlando Bloom looks good in man-blouse."

He cocks an eyebrow at her. "Seriously?"

"So serious. How about you?"

"Well….I'd have to say Lord of the Rings."

It's her turn to shoot him a look. "Really? Those movies are like a cajillion hours long."

"But interesting!" He declares and tosses another piece of popcorn before shoving some into his own mouth. "Orlando Bloom is in those too, if I do recall correctly."

She grimaces. "Yeah, he is the only thing that got me through those movies."

It's crazy how she'd been half-drunk forty five minutes ago and feeling vomitty in his passenger seat, and is now comfortably sprawled out in the middle of his father's dark grocery store. It's so crazy that it's actually ridiculously enjoyable. All thoughts of her past evening had been promptly buried the second he gripped her hand. She sneaks a glance at the smooth line of his jaw as he chews thoughtfully, green eyes to the ceiling. He has done the perfect job of distracting her.

"I thought you weren't going to come to the party," she admits quietly. He pauses to look at her. She can feel him gauging her expression.

"My father." He says after a moment, as if those two words are a detailed explanation.

"Oh." She accepts this answer, not exactly willing to pry.

"He's kind of a….control freak. And he's sick. So it's mostly me taking care of the store and I had to close up, make sure everything was in order the way he likes it."

Ahhhh. This is a completely reasonable excuse and Tori feels like a complete asshole for being so convinced he was a douche earlier. She shrugs, shoulders bumping the linoleum. "I understand."

"Sorry," he apologizes. "For making you think I wasn't going to come."

"You did." she dares a look at him only to find his gaze on her. "That's really all that matters."

They stare at each other for another moment before clears his throat and holds the empty popcorn bag in the air.

"It seems we are all out of our midnight snack."

Tori snatches the bag from him, crumpling it into a ball and then bouncing it off his face. He frowns, looking indignant. "Hey! Not nice."

She smiles at him before sitting up, and struggling to her feet. "Do you guys sell gumballs? I haven't had one in years, and I'm really craving a blue one."

He shrugs at her from the floor nonchalantly. "Well, you know. Maybe. But you just assaulted me with garbage so I'm not so sure I'm willing to dispose of that information."

Her lips turn downward as she pouts, batting droopy eyelashes at him."Pleassseeee."

"Nope."

The puppy pout vanishes and Tori turns on her heel, stalking away determinedly. Two can play this game. "Fine!" she calls over her shoulder. "I'll just find the machine myself!"

He doesn't answer but she refuses to give in, turning down another aisle to make her way to the front of the store. It's creepily dark without him though, and she can't help the prickle that raises hairs on the back of her neck. All of this for a stupid gumball? Whatever. She makes two more turns and ends up near the registers, where there's a toy machine and a gumball machine lined up against the windows. Victory. She reaches for a quarter in her pocket and then facepalms. Fuck. She'd forgotten she was wearing her dress.

"Need one of these?" Aaron's voice sounds just behind her ear and she lets out a terrified shriek. She whirls to find him gleefully sporting a handful of quarters and her mouth drops in shock.

"You're an ass, you know that?"

"Revenge is sweet, babe." He grins before striding ahead of her to the machine. A quarter goes in, and a red gumball comes rolling out. Another quarter, and this time it's yellow. Third times the charm and he is holding out a delicious looking blue gumball looking apologetic and admittedly very, very adorable. She accepts it with a resigned smile.

"I forgive you."

"And I forgive you for assaulting me with garbage, " he says, popping the yellow between his lips. Tori slides the ball into her mouth and bites down, relishing in the explosion of artificial blueberry flavor and thinking rather excitedly about how her tongue will be very blue. How long has it been since she'd had one of these? They were always a favorite.

"It's 2:30." Aaron announces, looking down at his watch. His jade irises twinkle, but his face falls just a tiny bit. "We should probably take you back to your place."

"It's my friend's aunt's place, actually." Tori informs him and then she sighs thinking of the bullshit she'll be returning to. It's not something worth looking forward to. These hours spent getting to know him have flown by and now she has to head back to reality. "And yeah, you're probably right."

He takes her hand in his, pulling her along behind him and out the front door, which he takes a moment to lock. Her body sinks tiredly into the passenger seat of his truck and he slams the door behind her before getting into the drivers seat. Tori closes her eyes when he starts the engine and banishes another feeling of déjà vu. Not here. Not now.

The silence is comfortable, not awkward or tense. She allows herself a quick look to admire the lights of oncoming cars dance across his face and suddenly she feels…safe. Like he is someone she can trust, who won't judge her for stupid, drunken mistakes. Like maybe she can tell him her secret, or at least one of them.

"That guy you saw me with, " she starts. "His name is Beck."

He says nothing, but cocks his head to the side so she knows he's listening.

"One time, we were at a party and I was drunk. I don't remember if he was. We danced and…he kissed me. I didn't think about the consequences of his girlfriend. I didn't think about much at all, to be honest." Her throat clenches and she swallows. "I've always liked him. Always. But he was out of reach. I can't….I can't resist him. It's terrible but he gets me and when he's around I just...lose it. Anyways, tonight I was waiting for you. I've been avoiding him for days but you weren't there and I was drunk and I-I did it again. His girlfriend was passed out upstairs and it was almost the same as last time."

"Except for the kiss." Aaron mutters and she looks up at him. That was, of course, when she'd spotted him and he'd spotted them.

"Yeah. Except for the kiss." Silence falls and Tori turns away. Outside the dark shapes of houses are whizzing by along with the occasional light post and brightly painted mailbox. They're almost home.

"Well I think he's an idiot." He whispers, and Tori's not sure if she was meant to hear but she responds anyways.

"No." Her voice is very small. "I am."

"If he likes you, he should be with you. He should cut the crap. If he likes you than he should treat you the way you deserve. Not like his dirty little secret. You're worth more than that." Aaron looks away from the road a second to speak honestly to her face and his eyes are piercing even in the dark. "It's not entirely your fault."

She sighs. It's almost a comfort to hear that maybe everything isn't fucked up because she's ruining it. But she doesn't want to deal with any of it anymore. "I just want to forget about him." She says softly, and leans her head into the window. "Just…to forget."

They reach Andre's aunt's house a few minutes later and Tori climbs from the front seat before he can move to open her door. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and smiles tiredly at him.

"Thank you. For everything. I don't think I would've made it through tonight without you."

His own lips form a lazy half-smile and he shrugs noncommittally. "You're welcome. It was nothing, really."

No. It was everything.

"Maybe I'll see you tomorrow," she says, allowing a hint of hope to color her voice. "I'm sure we'll have to come in to town for some kind of cleaning supplies."

He looks past her to the house which looks a little party-rocked even from the outside and laughs. It's a nice sound. "I'm sure you will."

"Goodnight then, Aaron." She says, and he meets her, green for brown.

"Goodnight, Tori."

She slams the passenger door and turns to go, stepping through the grass and up the sidewalk onto the front lawn. But then she hears another door slam and suddenly Aaron is behind her, calling her name and almost tripping over his own two feet. Her mind thinks of another boy calling her name, another time, another feeling. She pushes it away.

His momentum propels him into her and she doesn't have time to think before his mouth is on hers. Warm hands cup her cheeks and she clutches onto the back of his v-neck to keep from tipping over. He's a good kisser; an earnest one, just like his personality. The kiss is maybe seven seconds but it's not too much or too little. He pulls back enough to whisper a few words against her lips, sugary breath fanning across her face.

"Let me help you forget."

Tori sighs and he relinquishes his hold on her, fingers falling away from her cheeks. She opens her eyes and he is walking back across the lawn to his idling truck. Confusion sparks but then she realizes he's giving her the room to make the decision; to mull it over. She can't help the slow smile that spreads as he pulls away from the curb.

_Let me help you forget._

Stumbling back into the house, she is heady with contentment and feeling a different kind of drunk. There are people passed out on the wooden stairs (uncomfortable much?) but she barely registers them, fingers dancing across her lips. He tastes just like a yellow, banana-flavored gumball.

Her mind is already made up.

* * *

><p>blank space - taylor swift<p>

slowwwwllly creeping up to new chapters AHHHH.

M.


	12. the mess i made

**i'm staring at the mess i made**

* * *

><p>The reality of it doesn't hit him until he's retching violently into the porcelain bowl like the worst beer pong player in the history of smashed teenagers. It's 8:27 in the morning and saliva dangles wetly from his bottom lip. He swipes it away in disgust.<p>

Again.

It happened again.

Honestly he should've seen it coming. From the moment Andre had proposed a weekend away for all of their friends, he should've made a lame-ass excuse and dipped out before any damage could be done. But he hadn't. And now he's seriously, seriously effed.

Majorly effed.

Severely. Effed.

Granted, he's not as effed as he could've been had Tori not ran away and left him standing alone and confused in the middle of the sand. God knows how bad that could've turned out; if one of their friends (other than Cat) might've seen them kiss. If they had kissed...the way things might have went is deliciously sinful to think about. But still, emotionally he's pretty screwed up. And it is not a good time.

Beck reaches up to flush away the awful smelling vomit and then rests a flushed cheek against the toilet seat. Forget the ass germs – at this point his hair is beyond beat and he can't help feeling like he's still a little drunk. After being ditched he'd poured himself about four red solo cups full Smirnoff and Coke and gotten hammered out of his mind. The remainder of the night is nothing but a hazy, alcohol-stained blur. Just the way he likes it.

The drinking had been enough to smother the guilt from almost cheating on Jade again (actually, eff that, he HAD cheated on Jade again. All that emotional shit, right?) but it hadn't been enough to kill the rejection of Tori running from his lips like a bat out of hell. And to top it off, she'd been nowhere to be found the rest of the night.

What had he done?

_Helloooo Beckett. You acted like a totally fucking retard._ His brain proceeds to throb like hell against his skull, a hammer beating ceaselessly behind his eyes. He'd done it again. All of his preconceived notions about being able to resist; to be her friend and only her friend had gone out the window. His mind had become overwhelmed with the thought of her being alone. Pretty little Tori dressed with no one to impress. No one to appreciate how truly fucking amazing she is.

And then, mother of all fucks, the kid had actually showed up. He had really, really come to see her. Not that the idea is hard to believe. One sarcastic line and a smile with those shiny white teeth and any guy would be hooked. But Beck doesn't bother to deny the jealously that sinks it's green talons into his spine. The fuck? Talk about a plot twist. This isn't even right. She's not allowed to be with some other guy, and he's not allowed to give a shit because he's with another girl. What kind of messed up, teenage soap opera drama is this?

This is _notnotnotnot_ the Bold and the Beautiful.

Then again, maybe Beck should be thanking him. This time he'd managed to keep his lips to himself…well at least not on her lips. They had undoubtedly found their way around other parts of her body…It's just really sad, and possibly a little bit funny that this is becoming a habit for him. He realizes for the first time, facedown in a stranger's toilet, that maybe he won't be able to escape her. He can't dance daringly along the edge of friendship and lover with her…because maybe…he really just loves her.

It can't just be lust. Lust doesn't crave to know the secrets in her irises, the truth behind her frowns. Lust doesn't want to sit underneath a million stars on a playground every night for the rest of his life if that's what it takes to figure her out. But lust is the catalyst that will always propel him into her when he's determined to stay away. It will always betray his true feelings. He really needs to stay away from the party scene, especially when she's around.

Before he can contemplate another second of his idiotic behavior last night, there's a hard knock on the door.

"Hey dude, I really, reallllllly gotta pee." Some unfamiliar guy's voice says, and he sounds desperate. Beck closes his eyes, willing himself the stamina to stand without upchucking again. Just the idea makes him nauseous, not to mention the fact that his entire body feels like jello. Fuck. It takes some serious effort but he manages to haul himself to his feet with a good hold on the sink.

"One sec, dude." He calls back, and the kid moans.

"Hurry up, man. It's serious. And this is some pretty nice white carpeting."

Opening the door reveals a very hungover kid with extremely red hair and wild freckles. He reminds Beck vaguely of Sinjin, and shoves past him with his pants half-way down his ass before he's even in the bathroom. Beck takes the initiative of shutting the door, reaching blindly for the doorknob without daring to look behind him. Nobody in his or her right mind wants to see that shit in the morning.

Wandering down the hallway leaves him stepping over the bodies of still-sleeping teenagers. It's crazy how he knows absolutely none of them and despite the headache he decides to search for his girlfriend. Hopefully she's right where he left her last night (passed out on the living room couch) or awake somewhere completely hangover-less. The second idea is totally impossible considering she'd been smashed without a sip of water to weaken the after effects, but he can dream. Jade is a bitch on a daily basis, but hung over Jade is like the spawn of satan.

Fortunately (or unfortunately?), Jade will be the last one of his friends he'll find this morning. The very first familiar body he lays eyes on is his one and only runaway dance partner. And she's already dressed and ready to start the day.

"Tori?" He says, and he can't even hide the shock. She's sitting at the kitchen island with a long list in her hand, biting on the tip of a pencil, and looking like a Sun Goddess. The light coming in from the windows magnifies his pounding headache but it also gives her a halo. He's never seen her look this…vibrant.

She looks up at him in surprise, mouth falling open for just a moment before she's sucking in her bottom lip and biting down. Good god. Will that always be his weakness? "Good morning."

"You disappeared last night," Beck says. Duh. Way to state the obvious. "I was…worried."

He catches a glimmer of something in her expression that he can't place before she turns away. The shrug of her shoulders is nonchalant. "Oh… I came back."

Okay?….Beck doesn't know what to make of this new attitude she's wearing. What is this? Where's guilt-and-shame Tori, and who is this person? Not that he misses guilt-and-shame Tori, it's just that this is…..weird. Offsetting. It's like last night never happened. The coolness radiating from the indifferent line of her shoulders does not match her glow. Maybe it's more refreshing, but than again he's not sure how to act. He has no time to respond before she hops from her seat, grabbing her purse off the counter.

"I'm just going to go get some things to clean up. Tell Andre I'll be back, okay? He's picking up cans off the beach." She says. Her chocolate eyes don't spare him a glance before she's breezing past him out the door. "It'll be an hour, nothing less."

And then she's gone, leaving him with a sinking stomach that he can't place. Just what had happened last night?

What had he missed?

.

"Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for the Pine Sol?"

The smile that radiates on Aaron's face when he turns around is enough to set her ablaze. He's wearing another green shirt and the same name tag. He drops the box in his hands on the floor and plucks the list from her hand.

"Back so soon," Aaron smirks. "I'm not complaining. And with such a nice, long list."

"You've got some pretty convincing lips."

Aaron's right eyebrow quirks up so fast, Tori thinks it might fly off his face. But she can tell he's delighted. A slow grin pricks up the corners of his mouth once more.

"Well. I'm glad I decided to be spontaneous."

Tori shrugs nonchalantly. "So am I." And then, a bit more seriously. "Thank you. Really. It was just what I needed…and I don't want you to think it's just to-"

"I understand, Hollywood. I just wanna be here." He says softly, meeting her eyes, and then he gives her back the sheet of paper filled with cleaning supply items. "Come on, I'll help you get everything."

"Alright." She agrees, happy to be spared an awkward, stumbling speech. He gets it. That's all that matters. Aaron leads her down a few aisles, grabbing the things she needs and filling up his own arms when hers get full. He knows where everything is and finds her the cheapest items of the best quality. She's so busy laughing at him and juggling the things in her arms, that when her stomach rumbles deeply enough for it to be heard by the both of them, she's shocked.

"Uhhh…"

"Someone's hungry." Aaron smirks, though he's balancing paper towels with his chin. Tori panics…for a second. What's the worst that can happen? All she needs to do is make an excuse. She hadn't had time this morning. Why not just grab an apple? Those aren't so bad. She hasn't been feeling so large lately…but still she can't afford to give up now. She can't get comfortable and let perfection slip away. Not when it's so close…

"Lucky for you, there's a Denny's down the road from here. Legit the only restaurant our beach town has but they have good pancake balls and," He attempts to glance down at the watch on his tan wrist, to no avail. "well fuck the time, I can take my break whenever I want."

Her throat constricts for less than a second before she is mesmerized by the many shades of green in his eyes and the adventurous smirk on his mouth. Perfection… he was perfection. "Are you inviting me to breakfast? Moving a bit fast are we?" she grins.

"Is it fast enough for you?" He turns to make his way to the check out counter, paper towels bouncing against his laughing chest. "Because believe me baby, we can go_ faster._"

A ripple of tingles soars up her spine before Tori bounds after him, calling "You promise?!"

.

A half an hour later, Tori is biting into the sweet and soft goodness of a blueberry pancake ball and barely thinking about the calories as Aaron attempts to lick a spot of whip cream off his nose.

"You know your tongue is no where near long enough for that, right?" she snorts when his emerald eyes cross in concentration.

"Oh Ye of Little Faith, Hollywood. I've got this," he glares for a moment before returning to the task at hand. Tori has to swallow down a loud guffaw of laughter. He looks positively ridiculous and still extremely edible in the naughtiest ways. An idea pops into her head and she bites her lip, weighing the outcomes momentarily before reaching across the table and grabbing Aaron's wrist. He barely has the chance to speak. She leans across the table securing his jaw lightly in her other hand, and swirling her tongue over the tip of his nose, bringing the whip cream back into her own mouth with a smirk. His jaw drops slightly, his breath catching and then he's meeting her halfway and beating her at her own game.

Their lips part and Tori hasn't had enough but this will suffice for now. Aaron settles back down in the booth and smirks at her. "Maybe you're better at that kind of thing."

Tori rolls her eyes. "Well someone had to get it off you. I thought I'd sacrifice myself for the greater good."

Aaron chuckles, sipping his orange juice. "I like you."

It's such a simple statement, but it holds so much. Tori meets his gaze and smiles but he doesn't hear the gears turning in her mind. Who is this guy? Why did she have to come all the way to South Point to meet him? Because right now he's the only thing she can see in her future that might not bring her hurt or disappointment...nothing is definite, they're still total strangers but for the first time maybe she could be somebody's first choice. They'd known each other, what? Thirty-six hours? Somehow he had wiggled his way into her brain, past all the disorder, all the madness, all the Beck. And even though he isn't Beck, she'd be damned to deny that he's something else entirely. His fingers crawl their way across the table until they're interlacing with her own, and the words fall from her lips without effort.

"What a coincidence. I like you, too."

.

"I'm so hungover," Beck blinks at the ceiling, while his girlfriend paces above him. Somehow he's made his way into the middle of the living room, legs and arms splayed around him. He's so at a loss that this has become his rock bottom. There's a suspicious yellow stain about seven inches from his left ear, but those seven inches are enough comfort. Solid.

"Shut up, Jade. My head hurts."

"And mine." Cat's voice sounds from the kitchen. "I'm so tired I could use this mop for a pillow." Beck rolls his eyes. She's been sweeping the same spot for like nine minutes but no one has the heart to tell her about the seventeenth broken bottle just out of her line of vision and also point out that she's not even holding a mop. The poor girl has been at it for an hour.

"These niggas really fucked up my house, man. My aunt's gonna have an aneurysm if we don't get these stains out. " Andre groans.

"Stop whining." Jade circles around Beck's body, making it perfectly possible to see every bit of her ass underneath her skirt from his angle. She smirks at him and he stares back. He's too hungover to be interested, (and maybe, possibly still thinking about Tori but when is he not) so he averts his eyes. "It was a good ass time. People had fun, they drank, they partied. Nothing to complain about."

Andre snorts. "They also vomited, peed and shat all over the place."

Beck wrinkles his nose. "Someone shat?"

"They my as well have."

"That's fucked up man."

"I guess they did what they had to do." His friend shrugs his shoulders, face impassive. "It pains me to think about, so I just let it go."

"Hey," Jade chews her lip thoughtfully, and twists a strand of hair around her index finger. Considering her hangover, and the fact that she had been the first person out last night, she's the most chipper of them all at this point. If he wasn't so dead, Beck might've found it terrifying. "You know what we should do?"

Thankfully no one answers her question. At that moment the front door opens and a giggling brunette stumbles through the door weighed down by the largest paper bag full of cleaning supplies Beck has ever seen. And unfortunately, she's not alone. Grocery Boy steps in after her, looking a bit apprehensive but sharing the same broad grin.

**Fuck**. He's gonna hurl again.

"WE'RE SAVED." Andre shouts, springing up from the sofa. "SWEET BABY JESUS I'VE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED FOR A BOTTLE OF BLEACH!"

"Drink it, you're killing my eardrums," Jade snarls. "Who's this guy?"

Tori sets the bag down on the island and Beck watches the almost shy? grin that dances across her sunlit features as she introduces him. Aaron. Cute. A preppy name for a preppy grocery store boy. He can't miss the look on her face, though. She's happy. So, so happy. He hasn't seen that smile in the longest time. Where had it gone?

"Hi Aaron, will you help us make Andre's aunt's house pretty again?" Cat smiles sweetly and hands him her "mop". "You're turn."

Despite her vibrant oddness, Aaron doesn't miss a single beat. He accepts the broom from Cat, throws a look Tori's way, and then covers Cat's pretty little hand with his. She drops into a stumbling curtsy as one who may still be slightly drunk does, and he kisses it. "I might not be able to do it as well as you, but why not?"

Tori claps, Cat squeals, Andre nods in approval, and Jade rolls her eyes. So that's it then. Grocery Boy has wiggled his way in, and Beck hasn't even gotten off the floor yet. He squeezes his own eyes shut, cursing at the stars that dance in the darkness.

The sinking stone in his stomach could possibly be more vomit, but he's almost positive it's dread.

* * *

><p>The Mess I Made - Parachute<p>

NEW MATERIAL STARTS NEXT CHAPTER.

M.


End file.
